A trade that shook the foundation of Milwaukee. I remember it well. Loved having Ray Allen on the Milwaukee Bucks... [embed]http://https://youtu.be/x_9nCwmbbMI[/embed]
Hey Cancer, F**K You!
Most things that I create (film or write) I do it with the intent of making someone happy, creating new thoughts, or sparking imagination. This post is a little different. Below are two different writings. I was dealing with some stuff in my life and thought I’d take a moment to write about it. It's more of a spewing of thoughts, a stream of consciousness even. If nothing else, I hope at least one person will find this helpful.
December 10th, 2014
It’s December 10th, 2014 and I’m scared shitless. In October my mom was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast Cancer - HER2 positive.
My initial thought: Okay, stage 1. This sucks but we have many reasons to be optimistic. There's 4 stages. This was caught early. We'll just remove the problem and be done, right? Sort of right.
There's this HER2 thing, which apparently is a protein, and because of this protein, she needs Chemotherapy. Since October we’ve had more doctor visits than I’d like to remember but the major milestones was the Mastectomy… another small surgery… and now the chemo journey. The first treatment was yesterday, and now, I sit in my mom's home, fucking confused as to what my mom, sister, and I are getting ourselves into.
It should be noted that I live in California, my sister in Colorado, and my mom in Wisconsin. The travel has allowed me to enter the elusive A PLUS program offered by Southwest along with a companion pass for the next calendar year - I’ve flown a lot. My distance is what scares me. The unknown scares me... How is my mom going to handle this when we’re not around? My father passed away a long time ago and that’s the short way of saying she’s by herself.
Like every single human in the entire world who's dealt with this - when we found out my mom had breast cancer it was a shock. She’s healthy, what the fuck? Now we’re pumping her full of shit. Shitty fucking shit. I hate chemo and I hate all of the drugs she has to take. Just today she took steroids, anti nausea something, and Claritin, yes, fucking Claritin. Why? Well, it will help blah blah nausea blah blah blah.
Eh. I can’t compute anymore. I thought I’d have a holistic solve. I don’t. We’re left pumping my mom full of garbage.
Here I am. Confused as ever. Really scared. I’m writing this in hopes to follow up when her final chemo treatment is done. Maybe beyond. I hope to look back so I don’t forget how scared I was, even though no amount of words could do justice. I’m also writing this to maybe help someone else at some point, because all I want right now is some kind of help or guidance.
I wish I could find someone just like me and talk to that person and just hear them out. I want a son, from out of town, who is dealing with his mother’s small tumors but hey, it had a protein (HER2) that elevated my mom’s estrogen and forced chemo into our lives. I want to find that someone. It sounds sick but if there was a MATCH.com for people like me seeking other people like me, I’d be on it so fast it’s scary. I just want to talk with a version of me.
I guess I’m just worried. Scared. I can’t say it enough. I’m writing this fully knowing I’m showing my emotional hand, but at this moment, this is what’s helping me. This is what feels good. This is what I need to do. The truth is, I don’t know if i’m going to post this. I have this website for posting thoughts and feelings. I also release other content online. I release videos and short films of stories and thoughts. Staying guarded about my personal life, but trying to crack the door open juuuuust enough.
When I come back to this document it will be after my mother’s next 5 treatments of chemo (6 in total). I’m optimistic, mainly because every doctor told us to be, but I’m still worried.
I’m going to leave this document to collect dust for a few months, then revist, and I hope I can help someone like me at some point. I hope this will relate to at least one person. I hope that someone may read this seeking answers and will reach out to me to talk about life. Most importantly, I hope that when I come back here it’s with positive news, I’m sure it will be.
Fuck cancer. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Off to have an emotional breakdown...
April 8th, 2015
It’s April 8, 2015. My mom’s final chemo was two weeks ago. It’s weird how time flies but on the same hand it slogs along. That’s what the past 6-7 months have felt like - slow, yet fast.
I was hesitant to write this and post. At this moment I'm kind of "done" talking about all of this stuff. In other words, I'd like to pretend like everything is okay and compartmentalize. Also, as I mentioned above I tend to stay a bit guarded with what I release and truthfully this is offering up more than I thought I’d ever post about myself.
-Pause-
Just for the record… I’m not some guy who thinks people are going to flock to read random things I post on a blog. I know where I stand in the world of the internet, I’m not a fool, but at the same time you never know what will come back to haunt you down the road. People need to be careful when posting online.
That’s a message for the kids.
-Un-Pause-
I was thinking about when I first started writing this and it was when I was very confused and very lost. I needed someone to talk to, I was aware of that. I have my wife, family, and friends to vent to but I needed something more. Not saying I needed a therapist but I wanted a dude to relate to. Maybe I did need a therapist?
Secretly (or maybe not so secretly) I wanted me from the future to tell me what’s going on. Okay, so I needed a DeLorean. I think it’s safe to say that I hate uncertainty, specifically when it comes to issues of health. Yet, here we are, dealing with uncertainty and still moving forward. I wish I could just say “hey, we’re in the clear” but my mom still has a road ahead, however after the last 6-7 months I think I can say with certainty we can handle this.
My heart goes out to anyone who has to deal with this shit, especially when cancer isn’t caught early…Hell, even when it is caught early. I wouldn’t wish cancer on anyone. I truly believe it’s the devil and not in disguise, it’s showing itself and blatantly fucking with you. Which is the worst.
If you can relate to anything I just wrote and you find yourself in a similar situation, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. All I wanted was someone to talk to and I can’t say it enough. If you’re finding yourself going crazy and want to vent, rant, email, skype, facetime, share stories, whatever, I am here for that. I’d be more than happy to express any thoughts or just talk about things. I'm no therapist, not by a long shot, but I am a dude who can lend an ear.
This is my email: josh@thebigshoe.tv
My mom’s situation isn’t nearly as dire as others, the outlook is positive, and I'm fully aware of how fortunate my current situation is. But I can't deny that this single experience did a number on me mentally. It re-calibrated my thoughts and gave the “life is short” reminder. By the way, the “life is short” reminder shouldn’t ever actually be a reminder, it should just be a way of life. I’m ashamed I actually need something massive to remind me. Fuck it, no dwelling on the past, life is short. Remember not to waste your time on bullshit (easier said than done).
There you have it. That’s it. Hopefully I can pay something forward from this (currently ongoing) experience. When I’m done writing this I'm going to take a moment to appreciate life… and then follow that moment up with saying, “Fuck you cancer." I seriously hope cancer gets cancer and self implodes.
Good luck to everyone dealing with the devil.
Complaining About The Weather
I'm sure weather complaints have been a constant of mankind. I can't imagine any period of time where people didn't bitch about it. Honestly, sometimes, you just have to sit back and say "Fuck this weather." I may not like when people do it but I understand it, and because I understand it, I give you this: A video bitching about the weather --
[youtube=http://youtu.be/LTCLwGid4y0]
Return Of The Post.
To say that I’ve been absent from posting on this site may be an understatement. Seems like I stopped writing posts and transitioned solely into occasionally posting videos. Then the videos tailored off, and now I’m left as the guy who used to write a blog. Arguably it’s bad enough having a blog, let alone a blog you don’t use. However, it’s been for good reason. I’ve been held up writing (excuses!!!). I’m going to do my best to get back on here, as a matter of fact I’m going to cheat and have another post following this one… a video about writing… which, is a paradox of this joshford website.
I’m stepping away to contemplate story ideas and life. Trying not to overthink life more than I already do. Also, I’m off to watch the Packers VS Patriots, I’m already stressed.
The TSA Is Clueless
When I was in high school living in Greendale, Wisconsin my friends and I used to get harassed by small town cops with nothing to do. The cops were the most two-faced humans on the face of the planet, wait, not all, but most of them. The majority would put on a facade of “hey, we’re your friends” but what they were really saying is, “hey shitbag, please sneeze so I can arrest you.” It was from my high school encounters that a subconscious hatred-seed was planted in my head and as time went on I grew to actually distain police officers. I never trusted them. I feel like I saw more officers walk with an air of entitlement rather than officers actually trying to help the public. It took longer than I care to admit to say that I respect police officers. As I’ve gotten older some of the best men I’ve met are officers. Solid guys sacrificing themselves for others. It took time for me to see that and I wish it didn’t, but my small town asshole cop named Officer Daniels ruined it for everyone.
Flash forward to current day: I’m now having the same adverse reaction to the airport TSA people as I did to cops and I don’t see this changing at any point in the future. The way that the TSA “structure” is supposed to be is the biggest load of bullshit that I can imagine. It’s nonsense. Literally, nonsense. Let me breakdown what happened today at LAX:
- Arrive to security.
- See the big magnetic new age body scanning machine and directly next to it is a traditional metal detector.
- See some people walk through the traditional metal detector with shoes and a belt on.
- Unload my belongings on the conveyor belt, take off my shoes and belt, approach the new age magnetic body scanning machine.
- I say to the TSA guy “hey, I want to walk through the other one.”
TSA guy says, “no, you have to go through this one (magnetic new age monster)."
Me: “Come on man, I see all these people going through that one, what’s the difference? And why do they have their shoes on?”
TSA guy: “You either walk through this one (fuck you magnetic one) or you opt out and do the pat down.”
Me: “Seriously?”
TSA guy: “Seriously.”
Me: “Why?”
TSA guy: “You opting out?”
Me: “Can I just walk through that other one? What exactly is the problem?”
TSA guy: “We’re only letting adults with children walk through there.”
Me: “Dude, I literally just saw a bunch of people walk through there without kids.”
TSA guy: “They had kids”
I’m now starting to get angry. I should note that I have this dark side that only comes out when an authoritative person like this starts bullshitting me. Oh, also, there were no kids walking through the traditional one. But it begs the questions, why the fuck aren’t kids walking through the new age machines? Are they harmful to kids? If so, aren’t they harmful to adults?
Me: “Seriously man, you’re going to tell me they had kids? There were no kids!”
My voice, slightly raised.
TSA guy: “So you’re opting out?”
Me: “Yes, fine.”
TSA dude calls someone over and says I’m opting out. I wait about 30 seconds and guess what, the new age magnetic machine stops working, someone yells that it needs to be re-calibrated, and then suddenly they direct everyone to the traditional machine.
I asked the guy if I could just go through the traditional machine, he said no, it was too late. I lost my shit. My arms were failing, I was literally on the verge of a breakdown. I started to bitch about how this doesn’t make sense and why can people suddenly walk through here?
I saw the look on this TSA guy’s face, and it was a look of total enjoyment. A look of knowing full well what he was doing. A look of entitlement. A look of unwarranted power as though he was actually doing something good. We all know the look. We’ve been there.
While I was ranting and yelling another TSA woman yelled from somewhere “Whats wrong?” I pleaded my case, trying to tell her I just want to walk through the machine. Why can’t I walk through the machine!?
As I was making a fool of myself they just let me stand there until the woman came over and told TSA guy to pat me down. As he took me over I asked him why some people were able to wear shoes and a belt and others couldn’t. He said
“If you pay $85.00 per year you can get a back ground check done and it will give you an express pass through security so you can keep your clothing on.”
Wow. You fucking kidding me?
He patted me down, I was angry, my fiancé just looked at me like I was nuts, knowing full well my problem with these guys. When it was all said and done I took one final glance at the smug assholes who actually thought they were doing something beneficial… And just like that, current day TSA people entered into the realm of the high school cops.
The thing is, I know that the TSA is meant for good but the reality is — It’s a total cluster fuck. There is no rhyme or reason, which is as much scary as it is frustrating. Everything about it makes no sense and I feel like we all know it, I even think the TSA knows it. It makes no sense to have a new magnetic body scanning machine and a traditional metal detector next to each other yet not allow someone to walk through whichever they choose. It makes no sense to allow someone to pay $85.00 per year to keep their shoes and a belt on. These are both just a big slap in the face.
It’s infuriating.
So, that’s my vent while flying on an airplane. My attempt to not sound like an asshole when talking about such a sensitive subject. I want to note that while I fully acknowledge the good that is intended, it’s a faulty system, it just is. We’ve been scrambling for years to stop people from harming others at airports and keep out the “bad guys” and while we haven’t perfected that system we have perfected the art of frustrating travelers.
Last thing - Fuck you, Officer Daniels.
Life In 2014
The new year is an interesting time. I feel that this time along with birthdays are the times that people become the most introspective. We reflect on what the hell we accomplished… or didn’t accomplish. But more importantly, we look forward and think about what we want to do, or what kind of person we want to be. I’m not sure if it’s just me but ringing in a new year seemed like a bigger deal when I was younger. Something about it was so great and if I’m being honest, I felt that I could actually reset the past and wash away my sins. It’s as if the previous year didn’t exist and all is forgiven. Now that I’m older I think I just pray to anyone who will listen that, that’s how I’ll feel when I know in my gut the changing of a year doesn’t mean shit, it’s just another day in the world of time. Thankfully I’m not time, I’m man, and I ignore logicality.
I fucking love new years, sure I may have some internal conflicts about what it really means to me. However, I am certain it does mean something and I love what that something feels like. The scary part is when it wears off. When we hit April or May and everyone is back in their swing again saying to each other, “Oh my god, I can’t believe it’s basically summer.” Reverting back to the tendencies you don’t like is never fun.
So how do you capture that something? How do you hold onto the optimism and clarity when going into a new year? Do we voice out our ambitions to other people? Write down our goals and constantly look at them? Have a friend hold us accountable? I guess it just depends on the type of person you are. Also, how do you account for the variables that seem to change our thinking? Of course, these are all rhetorical questions. The only right answer is what works for us individually.
If you figure out a way to maintain the feeling right around the new year and keep it steady for an entire year you have to let me know your secret. Or don’t. You’ve basically captured lighting in a bottle. I feel like I’m getting close to figuring it out. I always do… but then April or May hit and I look myself in the mirror and say, “Oh my god, I can’t believe it’s basically summer.”
London: One Week Later
I was in London last week and during my trip I intended to film it and update this blog with regular (but brief) entries. Very quickly I knew that I wasn’t filming anything, and not so quickly I realized I wasn’t going to be doing any writing or entries. Why? Well, a few reasons:
1 –I didn’t film because I had friends in town and I didn’t trust myself carrying my camera everywhere. We’d leave the flat for long stretches and I didn’t know if I could confidently say, “I won’t lose my camera.”
2 – Drinking.
That pretty much sums it up. Let me digress and give a one-week-later London reflection.
It doesn’t help the situation that I’m from the land of beer (Milwaukee) and I was staying with my friend who also was from Wisconsin, and who happened to be hitting a 3-day work hiatus. Also, I had two of my best friends (also from Wisconsin) come visit for two days. When the four of us got together it was as though we could all see into the looking glass and what we saw were pints and hangovers.
Do I wish I had better self control, yes, of course. But my self-control ties into a larger issue with being in London – people like to drink, a lot. There is a pub on nearly every corner. It was as though every stereotype that has ever been said about London was true. I guess stereotypes exist for a reason. Also, I can’t help it if drinking and fun occasionally go hand in hand. I can’t help it that I really like to talk to people and when you’re in a pub getting shitfaced (whoops, excuse me, getting “pissed”) people become more talkative. I can’t help these things. I can only experience them, and that’s what I did.
My drinking experiences directly tied into my lack of motivation to write or do anything. There was one night when I was laying in bed and whipped out my laptop, started to type and this is the actual entry:
Man, what the F d over am I
Yup. You may notice that doesn’t make much sense. There may be a child sitting in preschool somewhere who is going to write the same thing in about 30 minutes. The beauties of drinking. For every great night of conversation there is an incoherent phrase waiting to be muttered.
Moving on from the perpetual state of drunk – London is pretty awesome. I’d be lying if I said that I knew where I was half the time; I couldn’t get my bearings. I kept asking people which way north was and half the time people didn’t know. Of course the monuments and landmarks are beautiful, outside of the city is peaceful, the culture is interesting, the curry was great… The world is fucking awesome.
That’s my takeaway.
That’s always my takeaway when I go somewhere I don’t know. Even if I hate the places I go to, I love that I hate it. I love knowing there are other experiences in the world. There is no substituting experience in life, you either have them or you don’t.
This is it. This is my one-week-later London refection. Pretty in depth, right? I kind of wish there was more to this but I think I need to blame the drinking for lack of substantial memories. There’s just a lot of fragmented good times, and really, how do you express fragmented good times? The best way is probably through video…
Shit.
The Beauty Of Creation
Right off the bat we should establish that this is in no way a religious thing so lets not let the title of this post mislead you. I just let my mind drift as it normally does and I got to thinking about the creation of art, entertainment, stories, basically anything that has a human at the helm. It’s incredible for me to think that something doesn’t exist and then a person brings it into existence, possibly altering the mind of someone observing whatever it is. The impact that creation can have on someone is hard to comprehend. Many times we see a work of art or a quote, and it alters our thinking - Literally changing our lives. It makes me wonder about creations that exists in the world that I’ve never seen, or creations that almost never were.
I’m not sure if creation is as appreciated as it should be, especially now. We live in a time where we’re spoiled with information and content. We’re in a microwave attention span time-period so I feel that much of the things we see we take for granted simply because we’re trained to look and move on.
Also, we have access to the greatest site in the world, YouTube, and it allows us to watch an auteur create a five minute story that took him three months along with blood, sweat, and tears, but on the flip side you can also watch a cat jump on a hamster but was filmed by a ten year old in sixty seconds. Does watching cat on hamster pull us from appreciation of good calculated creation? Also, who's to say what is “good” and what isn’t? But really, that’s the beauty of creation! We don’t know what’s good or bad until we see it. You may be reading this post and thinking it’s the biggest piece of shit of all time, you may be right, but it wasn’t in your life five minutes ago… so wrap your mind around that.
Shall we dig a little deeper and talk about the creation of human life? I don’t think that’s the best idea at this current moment. My mind is overloaded right now just thinking about this subject, when I pull back and try to relax I’m left with one solid conclusion: Creation is amazing, and what you create says more about you than what you’ve probably ever intended, but that’s the beauty of it. As long as people create then people will keep thinking of newer things to create… It’s essentially evolving the world.
That One Time I Started To Hate Dogs.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be possible to hate dogs. I love dogs. I’m that guy who goes out of my way to play with dogs. When I’m at a party and someone has a dog, I find that dog. My sister has a dog, his name is Summit, he may be man’s best friend, and when I say “may be” I mean he IS man’s best friend. Greatest dog ever 10 years running, and he’ll continue to be the greatest dog until the end of time. But, lets not go down that road, I can’t think of a life without Summit.
So I love dogs, great, fantastic, who doesn’t? Ohhhhh right. Me! But how, how could this possibly happen? What the fuck? I’m so conflicted in my dog loving life. I’ll tell you how it could possibly happen… Los Angeles happened.
This may not be totally accurate but it seems as though 95% of Los Angeles owns dogs that are smaller than the size of my 10.5 foot. These little dogs are running crazy, they’re maniacs. Never have I seen so many Chihuahua’s in my life. For the record I just had to auto spell “Chihuahua” – even the spelling seems insane. But it’s not just Chihuahuahuhhauha’s, it’s other small dogs. How could there be so many small crazy dogs. Well that part is kind of obvious, to me at least —
I live in West Hollywood / Hollywood area. It’s so small and condensed. People who want dogs end up getting small dogs and since there are so many people BOOM there are so many dogs, simple. But still, that doesn’t add up to why I hate these things. So let me peel back another layer and try to save face. It’s not the dogs that I hate… it’s the owners of the dogs.
As of right now it seems as though my anger is unjustified and is totally all over, it is, and that’s only because I feel bad writing this. I feel bad hating things. So here we go, here’s my justification:
My problem is when dog owners find it okay for their dog to just jump up on you, bark, run past your office door, or really anything that people find cute just because. The things that people find cute, I find it totally annoying. I don’t care about other dogs, and PEOPLE don’t care about other dogs. I don’t think. But really, why do dog owners think just because their dog is cute then everyone thinks it’s cute? What is that?
People treat their dogs like they’re the second coming just because it successfully sat down or didn’t take a shit on the street. These dogs are getting away with societal murder.
Oh, and don’t even get me started on people being able to travel with their dogs on airplanes as “helper” dogs because they need “emotional” support. Fuck off. What an insult to people who actually need a dog with them. It’s a slap in the face. Emotional support? Really? You’re not emotionally equipped to be without your dog for a weekend?
Taking a breath…
Trying to make sense of why I even started to write this…
Oh right! So my problem is with dog owners and it’s starting to transfer to the dogs. I know it’s happening and I can’t stop it, that’s the scary part. Sometimes when I see a dog minding its dog business some negative thought enters my mind and I try to stop it, trying to think of other reasons why I like dogs, but negativity takes over like some kind of virus. But I guess that’s what negative thoughts do; they can easily take over so much faster than anything positive.
Maybe I need to get out of this bubble that is Los Angeles and get back to seeing what I consider normal dogs — Dogs that you can actually play with, dogs that I feel like I can’t physically harm with my one hand just by petting it, dogs that don’t have a size complex, and dogs that sound like they’ve hit dog puberty when they bark.
I remember Bob Barker used to always sign off the Price is Right by saying, “Don’t forget to get your dogs neutered.” My God was he ahead of the curve.
What a strange rant this has been. I was hoping to talk through my current day totally-out-of-the-blue-dog-hate. I kind of did, it’s the owners…
For the record I need to say that to all my friends with small dogs. I love your dogs.
Walking Entitlement
Where do I even begin? Lets begin in Los Angeles because what I’m about to jump into *mainly occurs in LA.
Imagine you come to an area (LA) with a dream and you don’t meet the dream in the time period you set for yourself. Now imagine being around tons of people who have the same dream, and those people seem to be multiplying and they’re not hitting their dream strides either. They’re getting frustrated, now you’re getting frustrated. You’re chasing after what you want and you’re being rejected… so are other people. Fuck, a bunch of people are getting really frustrated! You feel out of control. Bunches of people feel out of control. You need to take a walk and think about things, you need to feel in control.
Enter – Walking Entitlement.
I’ve never been around so many people who seem to be totally fucking clueless when walking across a street or on a sidewalk. But they’re not really clueless, they’re minding their own business, which of course is fine, but they’re not minding unspoken spatial laws of life. The law that may or may not state: Being aware is a priority when walking in a congested city with frustrated humans.
I believe that people feel so out of control in their jobs or pursuit of jobs that they relieve frustration by trying to show themselves and others they’re in control. One place to do this… when taking a walk. It sounds ridiculous but it’s true.
- People in LA just step into streets with a 30-mile per hour car 10 feet away and expect a full stop.
- People walk with dogs and occupy full sidewalk without worrying about others walking towards them.
- People walk in bunches on a sidewalk and don’t move when you’re walking by yourself.
I’ve heard people say “I’m going to sue you if you hit me” and walk in front of cars when they shouldn’t be walking… just because. What kind of asshole does that? People feel entitled while walking. Really, when they’re driving too, but that is a different story. It all breaks down to CONTROL. Which I get… but you don’t have to be an asshole.
I wish there were rules in stone that would allow people to do something to absentminded walkers without facing repercussions.
(Just drifted into a world that sees people getting “get out of jail free” digital cards to allow you to teach appropriate lesson without actually harming the person. In this world there is also specialized honking horns that directs attention at poor drivers).
Okay, I’m back.
Walking entitlement. I get that it’s everywhere, but it’s especially bad in LA. I’ve never seen anything like it. It boils down to being unaware of your surroundings and thinking you can just go. The danger of the unaware walker is that it’s a bigger risk for accident or problem to other people. Having said all of that…
I love LA.
(Cue: Randy Newman)
YouTube Admission.
There is definitely something ironic about the fact that I’m typing about YouTube. I feel that this should realistically be a video right now, but it would be totally boring, I think. The funny thing is, I think I know what works on YouTube and then other times I’m completely dumbfounded. I need to use this as a platform to mentally sort things out. I wonder if others are in my same boat and I wonder if others have things figured out.
So where do I begin? Shit, I don’t even know. I have this app on my ipad that I never use which basically is a mental map and lets you sort out your thoughts. I wish that were how this posting actually would look. My best bet is to try and categorize this and then hope it just all makes sense.
The Clutter:
YouTube is walking a very odd line. On one hand it holds the key to careers and is a platform for major national issues. On the other hand it’s the hub for mindless guy-picks-fight-with-stranger-and-then-stranger-kicks-his-ass videos. Then there are sports highlights, musical acts, travel shows, promotional videos for company websites, and about 75 other categories. The truth is, I’ve been trying to figure out where exactly I can personally fall into YouTube clutter. But also, I think that YouTube is currently trying to figure itself out in the clutter.
I wonder if they want all of the clutter or if they want to trim down all of the under produced content. I mean, lets face it, it’s weird (yet cool) that a company can have such amazing high production quality content and then also host a dog taking a shit on a sleeping person (not sure if this video actually exists but I’m sure it does).
Trimming out the shit:
The cool thing about YouTube, and really the web, is the ability to post content anywhere so you can penetrate a surface that you couldn’t previously touch. It’s obvious that a TON of great opportunities and talented people have come from creating great things. That aspect of the web/YouTube is unbelievably amazing.
As it stands now YouTube has made things more difficult if you’re not established. Even the terms of being “established” have changed. Recently YouTube hosted its “NextUp” competition. Essentially it’s a program that allows people like you and I to submit videos, then people vote on the videos, and if you’re one of 25 winners you get help and assistance from YouTube to really establish your personal brand Sounds good, right?
Weird thing is, in the latest NextUp competition the submission guidelines were written as:
Have at least 10,000 subscribers on December 5, 2012 and/or at least 1,500,000 total videos views all-time for your Channel on December 5, 2012;
Wait. First off, it is fucking tough to get 10,000 subscribers and it is really fucking tough to get 1.5million views. So shit. 10,000 is borderline established to me. If you crack a certain amount of subscribers then what that tells me is – people like your content, they’re willing to share it, and you have a solid and possibly loyal fan base. The only way you can mess this up is by not posting videos for years or by immediately changing your style.
This brings me back to trimming the shit. It seems as though YouTube only wants sort-of-established content creators who can already build their audience. They want people who are big and they can make bigger. Not to profile small and unnoticed.
Can small folk succeed?
Yes. How? I’m not totally sure. What I do know is that if you’re legitimately trying to grow and not be a one hit wonder then you need consistency and quality. This isn’t new to anyone.
It is too late but not really:
If you don’t have a channel on YouTube, and you’re just getting going, and you want to create a big channel, it’s tough. You need to jump onto the social scene guns ablaze. If you’re trying to create a show then you need to release consistently. If you’re just going to drop periodic episodes of whatever you’re doing… eh… you may not get to where you want to be.
Where I think YouTube is going:
Like I mentioned above, it is trimming out the shit. YouTube recently said it’s going to alter channel design (again). Yesterday I had a moment to check it out via a iJustine video where she profiled the new layout. The take away that I got is that it is tailored for creators to brand themselves. This is cool. It forces people to really treat themselves as marketers. It’s unfortunate for people who just release good stuff but don’t know how to market themselves. Hopefully, content will succeed.
Final thoughts of this:
Where did this ramble lead too? I’m not sure. Where did this come from? It comes from a place of a person who makes content and occasionally feels a step behind in evolving with the system. I know this may not be how it seems but I’m not bitter or upset with the current system, I actually kind of love it. The YouTube landscape is an interesting thing. It can consume you. It’s amazing knowing there is something in the world that gives you so many varieties, and also this same something can be beneficial for your success.
YouTube is amazing. The web is amazing. I’d consider right now as sort of turning point, particularly for YouTube. It’s a moment when they make a push into quality programming and then possibly morph into Netflix with a pay-per-view style. Then what happens? We start over again and a new YouTube takes over, but one that is more tailored for up and coming creators? Doubtful…but possible.
One thing I do know – There will always be a need for total nonsense viewing. We will always have videos of humans doing stupid shit with bad audio, bad lighting, and a shaky camera. The voyeuristic aspect of watching content won’t go away. Dammit YouTube, I love you.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin: Holiday and Culture
The combination of a mother who doesn’t think I eat enough and the culture that is (most of) Wisconsin has created the perfect storm of complete and total over fucking indulgence… I wish I didn’t drop an F-bomb right there but I needed it for emphasis.
Quick backstory - I left Wisconsin and moved to Los Angeles to find a career, or really any job in the entertainment industry. It took a while to figure out what the hell I was doing and I’ve often wondered if I should have prepped myself a bit more before I blindly moved. The truth is: a) nothing can “prepare” you for a move to LA and b) The other part to why I moved so quickly was because of the lifestyle I was living.
I was drinking and eating as though it was the final days of the world. A glutton who lay on a bed and was served s’mores dipped in grease and then deep fried then wrapped in cheese while I washed it down with a Keystone Light. Okay, no, not really, but almost really. I was eating but mainly because I was drinking so much, and yes, it was Keystone. Of course I was drinking so much – I was in college and this was Wisconsin.
To honestly understand the culture is to live in the Midwest, it’s difficult to express if you don’t experience it. During my early 20’s in Milwaukee I may have spent more days blacked out than I did coherent, and it felt okay, not because it was okay but because I was just one of many doing it. I thought that’s how college was but actually it’s how Milwaukee was.
Wait, am I talking about Milwaukee or having a mini intervention right now?
At some point I knew I wanted to move and I also knew I needed to stop living how I was living. I imagined my liver probably was that of a 75-year-old man and my brain was becoming deformed. So I booked it to Los Angeles and started doing coke… KIDDING. I chilled out and essentially continued on with my life in a culture that I preferred.
Over the last 7 years or so I’ve come to appreciate Milwaukee for all the things that I missed while I lived here, which is standard protocol for just about anyone who returns to somewhere. It took me a minute to realize that the culture is more than just getting black out drunk. Having said that… Drinking is still a MASSIVE part of Milwaukee and there is no getting around that.
Regardless - it’s holiday season 2012 and I’m back. I guess I’m a little wiser and I’m definitely older and I’m fully prepared to embrace the things I once couldn’t handle. The culture that I once was being tornadoed in is no more. It’s not as though I stopped drinking or something, it’s just that I’m aware of what the hell can happen to me, I’ve been down that road before.
Fuck it. Bring it on, Wisconsin. Bring on the Packers, Bucks, not the Brewers, the cold, the cold forcing me to stay inside and do nothing, the booze, and did I mention the Packers? This is a culture to embrace head on like you’re staring down a bull, and just like staring down a bull - if you’re able to coherently discuss it after it’s over, then you’ve succeeded.
Howdy Doody Is Creepy.
I purchased some Howdy Doody DVDs as a joke for my 1 year old nephew. Don't ask why, it's a long story. I tried to watch the show and about 2 minutes in I realized how creepy this puppet is. I can imagine a new potential Childs Play series based off of Howdy Doody. Am I the only one who finds this smiling cowboy a little odd?
Petraeus: The Least Surprising Thing Ever.
Dear surprised people,
Am I the only person who thinks that the General Petraeus cheating scandal isn’t really that big of a fucking deal, and the only thing we should be surprised by is that he’s stupid enough to use email. Somewhere in that CIA training he had to understand the possible negative implications of an e-paper trail.
I think it may be time for a good chunk of people to enter the real world and stop pretending that we live in a Leave it to Beaver world, and people of power do in fact… stray.
I understand that people like to hold others in a very high regard, and I understand that common folk tend to have wandering eyes so common folk needs to look at men and women as people with more self control, ultimately holding them in a brighter light and looking up to them.
Its time that people stop acting like infidelity is a sign of the times, it’s not. It’s been around forever, maybe even longer. It’s just that there are more ways for people to get caught. I think the real goal is to live in honesty and be upfront about everything. The person who has nothing to hide usually doesn’t get caught for cheating.
For the record I’m definitely not saying that having a mistress and straying is a good thing, nor am I saying it’s the right thing. I’m just saying that we all need to stop being so fucking surprised that people who you don’t actually know have someone on the side. Having a mistress doesn’t change the world - it just keeps it going.
Sincerely,
A guy who has been faithful for many years and would possibly be castrated if it was any other way.
P.S.
Here’s a list of (some) men who have had mistresses:
140% of NBA players (not exact) 120% of NFL players (not exact) 110% of Futbol players (not exact) 90% of Hockey players (not exact) 70% of MLB players (not exact) Thomas Jefferson Benjamin Franklin George Washington Alexander Hamilton James Madison Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Bill Clinton Client 9 Elliot Spitzer Newt JFK Lyndon Johnson Anthony “greatest last name ever” Weiner John Edwards
…You get the point. Stop being so surprised.
Sunday Ramble: General Interests
I’m thinking about having general interests in topics and how those interests sculpt who we are. I’m kind of envisioning a person that is completely put together like a puzzle, and each puzzle piece is a hobby, idea, feeling, or another sub interest. Does that make sense? I wish I had the capability to draw out a diagram but I don’t have it right now. I’m essentially wondering if there are two people out there who have the same exact interests.
Is it possible? I’m not talking about having 9 out of 10 of the same interests; I’m talking a solid 10 out of 10. For that to happen someone would have to have a similar upbringing, similar parents, similar everything really.
—2 minutes of critical thinking later—
As much as I want this to be a reality I just don’t think it’s possible, not now at least. We’re just a little too unique with too many options. Dammit, I started to write this in hope of talking myself into the belief of two of the same people. I was also going write a little bit on how we’re all unique in our own way and blah blah, but I have a feeling we already know that already.
I was about 30 seconds away from deleting this post and making sure it would not see the light of day, but fuck it, it’s Sunday and I’m rambling.
Here’s to one day finding two people cut from the same cloth…
What Happened To Ninjas?
Back in my glory days (aka the 90’s) the simple idea of ninjas were pumped into children maybe 75 to 80 times a day, whether it be cartoon or live action. Yesterday I had a moment to think about the times and I came to a realization that the idea of wanting to be a ninja may have died. What happened to ninjas?
In my book there is no question that we’ve gone soft as a society and part of me wonders if ninjas had to be faded out due to people thinking it was too violent. Just for clarity purposes, when I say ninjas what I mean is kids who pretend to know karate and think they can kick the shit out of anything, to a certain extent that kind of bleeds into being a silent assassin… which may or may not be some kind of ninja credo.
Do kids not think ninjas are cool anymore? If not, I blame the parents. The ironic part is that the parents are basically my age or just slightly older. Does this mean there could be a ninja reboot coming in the next 5 years when people my age start pumping out more kids and realize that they were fed ninja material for almost a decade?
Lets just rehash what the 90’s really brought us:
Teenage Mutant Ninjas Turtle: The TV show and the awesome movie and semi awesome second movie. Third movie is a piece of time travel junk and I’m not going to get into the latest TMNT reboot a few years ago nor am I going to get into the Michael Bay thing. I just realized the fate of the ninja turtles sits in Michael Bay’s hands… This may not be a bad thing.
Street Fighter: Amazing video game, questionable movie. Who cares though, they were mostly fighting with karate.
Speaking of Street Fighter... Anything with Jean Claude Van Damme: The Belgian sensation basically ruled the 90’s: Kickboxer, Double Impact, Double Team, and Sudden Death. Is Van Damme underrated?
Steven Seagal! Before Segal was on a reality show he was saving the world with karate.
3 Ninjas: Anyone remember Rocky, Colt, and Tum Tum? This was probably pitched as Home Alone meets Ninjas Turtles – seriously. This also had 3 movies following, one with Hulk Hogan.
Aren’t these examples enough? They should be. Are ninjas still around like they once were? Am I missing something? Are they still marketed towards children? Will Seagal be in the next Expendables? These are the questions that keep me up at night…