Packers VS 49ers: The Aftermath

NFL: NOV 01 Vikings at Packers Well, that was painful. Not sure I want to go through that every again. I started the game telling myself that I’d do a liveblog because I wanted to document my ups and downs. It only took about half of the first quarter to realize there was not a fucking chance I’d be able to multi task and things weren’t looking great for my Packers. I turned my computer off (grabbed my phone) and stared at my TV screen while pacing and being a fan from the Midwest. Wait. Shit. This feeling sucks.

I can’t think. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to think about Jim Harbough on the sideline, Colin Kapernick running, that dude Hyde who dropped a 4th quarter interception, Colin Kapernick running, Packers injuries, Colin Kapernick running, dropped balls, the entire first quarter, and Colin Kapernick.

Damn. This one stings. Fortunately I’m a *tad bit older and wiser and I won’t go into a shit fit like I would've done a few years ago. The Packers took one on the chin, again. Kapernick owns the Packers and it kills me to say it, but I won’t hide from the truth! I can’t. I’m about to cry.

Fuck it. It’s just football. Onward 2014.

—————————————————————————————————————————

Actually, just one final thing: I had a text thread going with a few people. Specifically my good friend, DJ. This was his final text to me:

Bad play calling in the first quarter came back to haunt us. Dumb, stupid, conservative McCarthy play calling. 

Can’t say I disagree with that. Honorable mention for his text that came an hour earlier:

There is something to be said about pre-mixing Micheladas for Packers games. 

Can’t say I disagree with that either.

Love/Hate Relationship: The NFL

Image I can’t believe what I’m about to type but I’m going for it anyway; I can foresee a day when I don’t watch the NFL anymore.

If you don’t currently know this, I’m a massive Green Bay Packers fan. When Brett Favre tossed an interception against the New York Giants during the 08-09 playoffs I cried. My friend Alex and I had mental breakdowns. We collectively went into the parking lot of our apartment and drank, bitched, groaned, screamed, and then drunkenly patted each other on the back. It was a low point in my life. I was 25 years old. I was a total loser.

The following morning Alex and I agreed that we loved the Packers too much (if there is such a thing) and both said we had to bring it in a little bit, and from that moment I did kind of bring it in. I dialed down my love, which actually translates to: I don’t drink that much during football games.

Years later I’m the slightly mature version of that human that once was, but I can feel the earlier version of me creeping back into my system. Last week when I found out Clay Matthews was injured I was pissed, then to see Randall Cobb, and James Jones get taken out in the same game I was irate. I went on a rant to anyone who would listen, only to be hit with the realization that I hate injuries in a football game. They’re obvious, common, and still infuriating.

I get it, injures are part of any sport, but the NFL seems to be leading the injury market… obviously. It’s a full contact “I want to rip your head off now” sport. I get it. I get that the NFL is a team sport. I get all the obvious things you could say but there is a growing issue inside of me that is having an adverse reaction to the NFL. The injuries are causing me to actually dislike the sport, for two reasons really. First reason being based solely on how brutal it is, the second reason because it causes the NFL to be completely sporadic.

I realize injuries have always been around but lately it’s really affecting me. Maybe it’s the media and the constant covering of sports. Maybe it’s the sports media constantly talking about neck injuries. Maybe it’s the sports media constantly talking about how to hit in the NFL. Maybe it’s the effing media! Maybe… But maybe not.

My awareness of how injuries impact a NFL game is literally hurting my viewing experience. Not only am I rooting for my team to properly execute, but also I’m rooting for my team to make it through the full 60 minutes without a serious injury. This inevitably makes me question whether I can put up with an extra layer of rooting.

Oh wait, shit, maybe I’ve reverted into the old version of me more than I thought. Are my emotions taking over? Is there any way to be more pragmatic about this approach? Am I just hiding my overbearing emotions somewhere deep in my soul? Is this normal?

So many questions, such little time. Hopefully I can one day find a perfect harmony to this balance but I think that means taking another step away from football and not care as much. If I keep taking these steps away I’m going to eventually find myself further away than I ever thought, unfortunately, I can envision this happening.

Until then… Go Packers.

Oh, and hopefully Jermichael Finley recuperates while he’s in the ICU from the neck injury he experienced yesterday. Effing, football.

Green Bay Packers: Rational Reminders

I’ve been a little reluctant to write anything about the Green Bay Packers simply because I kind of don’t know what is happening to them. Last Thursday I was talking with my friend Ottford while they were playing the Chicago Bears and we collectively may have gone through a rollercoaster of emotions that only those who are in psychotic relationships go through. One minute we were basically giving up all hope and conceded that nothing good is going to happen to this team. The next moment their defense was playing better and we talked us into the idea that they have figured out how to play and everything is okay.

We’re sports fans, this is how it’s supposed to be, right?

Moving forward I’ve made a list to keep me sane while this football season is active, these are things that I need to remind myself because without this list to knock sense into me I may look back at this time in my life as an embarrassment. An embarrassment because I cared so much about things out of my control…

Reminder 1: The Packers had a historically horrible defense last year, why would they have pulled a total 180 this year?

Reminder 2: Their offense will pull their shit together.

Reminder 3: Even though Donald Drive has never dropped a pass in his entire life and is the most reliable player on the Packers, Aaron Rodgers obviously knows something I don’t know because he’s not passing to him every play.

Reminder 4: They’re going to get a running game. No they won’t. Yes they will. No they won’t!

Reminder 5: They won the Super Bowl when they were 9-7 and season long team momentum has never seemed so important. It’s okay if the Packers lose games.

Reminder 6: The Packers have the best quarterback in the NFL.

Reminder 7: Jermichael Finley will always piss me off; I shouldn’t be surprised about his rock hands.

Reminder 8: Once again: I’m not playing on the team so for me to think that I have a single bit of control makes me reverse insane. Just accept whatever is happening (This is a crutch… but seriously I need to actually believe this).

With these year long reminders I think I can successfully remain okay with what’s happening, win or lose – or at least pretend to be okay with things.

Greatest Basketball Story Ever: Magic Johnson

I just finished watching “The Announcement” on ESPN. It revisited the time when Magic Johnson had announced he was HIV positive and the massive ripple effect it had on the world. Yes, the world, not just sports. I’m not going to get into the impact that The Announcement had because I think we already kind of get it.

Instead, I need to tell a story. It’s a story that I’ve told roughly 1,583 times and I will continue to tell until I can’t talk anymore. It’s a story that I literally don’t care how much time I take telling it because I love it so much. It’s a story that will grow and I’ll be making my grandchildren listen to me as I reminisce with a tear in my eye while exaggerating every moment by 100. It’s a moment that was written in my journal as incoherent blabber and random flashes because I couldn’t hold a thought. As far as I’m concerned it’s the greatest basketball story of all time.

- The Time I Played Basketball With Magic Johnson - Pre Game:

It was a weekday in the afternoon and my friend Evan aka “The Swed” called me to play some basketball at 24-hour fitness in Hollywood. Good thing we work in the entertainment industry because that translates to: Our afternoons are completely free because we didn’t have jobs at the time. Anyway, he picked me up in his old school pick up truck and we proceeded to head to the indoor court.

We played ball there pretty regularly, I probably would look back at this period of my life and say I was in my basketball prime, which isn’t saying much, but Its something. We were comfortable in the gym; it wasn’t one of those places you’ve never played before so you’re reluctant to hop in a game. We were at the point that when we walked in we’d see familiar faces and would be able to jump into a game pretty easily. Fortunately for us when we walked in there weren’t many guys so we called “next game.”

We assembled a team of random guys and when the current game ended we were ready to go. It was typical as usual and the scattered play of gym basketball was in full force. I specifically remember feeling pretty good that day and my buddy Swed seemed to be on his shit to. I always felt bad for Swed because he’s roughly 6’3 so everyone expected him to play under the basket like he’s Shaq but in reality he had a really good jump shot. Any time he wanted the ball passed to him everyone would force him under the basket, where… I might say he’s not at his most comfortable (Sorry Swed!) But on this particular day… he was feeling it.

Not sure if it was our fresh legs but we were rolling. Our team was leading 7-4 (the game plays up to 11 by 1 and 2 point shots). Somehow the other team started to chip it’s way back into the game…

7-5: No problem we’re still winning.

8-5: We’re going to win!

8-6: We’re good.

8-7: Fuck it’s 8-7!

I could sense our team feeling a little un-easy and the play was getting sloppy, and then it happened…

At the far end of the gym a guy walked in that had a presence of a human who probably won 5 NBA championships and 3 MVP’s. In about 6 seconds everyone’s heads turned and Magic Johnson was in the building. Swed came up to me and said, “Dude, that’s Magic Johnson” I said, “I know!” He put his bags down and went to a side hoop with his friend to start shooting.

Meanwhile we had a close game to finish but nobody could focus. I think there was an understanding that Magic could potentially say he wanted to play. Holy shit! In the blink of an eye my current game was tied 9 – 9. I seriously don’t remember what happened or how it got there. I was to focused on looking really fucking cool in front of Magic by making sound bounce passes.

Suddenly, the basketball Gods spoke as we heard Magic say: “I have next game.”

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Okay, it’s official. Magic Johnson has next game. So, what does this mean? It means that whomever WINS this game stays on the court and plays against Magic. Suddenly I felt like I was playing for Willy Wonka’s golden ticket, and to add to the moment, Wonka, I mean Magic, was just staring at us on the sidelines sizing up his future competition.

At this point the game score was 10-10. First team to 11 wins. I repeat, first team to 11 wins.

Our ball. Like I said I was having a good game so I dribbled the ball up court, passed it to someone and then ran around like white guys do in pick up basketball, and then the ball came back to me. I was holding the basketball that would potentially send us into the next game - this was my moment.

I dribbled to the right and had a step on my guy – I noticed Magic looking at me, probably thinking “He reminds me of me” or he was actually thinking, “Hurry up white dude.” I flew to the basket in suspended reality and suddenly realized I had an open lay up, I can win this game! Directly to my right I see Swed flying next to me probably going to get my rebound (if there is one) in anticipation of me going in for the lay up.

I know I just said that time was suspended but I’m not kidding… God had actually slowed things down for me.

I’m up in the air going for the basket… A few guys next to me jump but I know I can lay it in if I need to… I still see Swed to my right… I know Magic is watching… I can make this… But… Wait… Magic is looking at me! I’m not going to score the game-winning basket, I’m going to facilitate just like him!

I proceed to pull the ball back and toss it backwards behind my body to Swed flying in. I think it’s the greatest pass of all time. My logic at the time was: Since I have these people up in the air, I’m going to pass it to Swed for an easy lay up and we’re playing Magic in basketball.

The moment kept moving and I passed the ball and for a second I thought we were going to win, then another second passed and I realized that I missed Swed completely and threw the ball out of bounds. Wait, what? Yes, I threw the ball out of bounds in front of everyone. The other team picks up the ball very quickly and runs down the court to score the game-winning basket. We just lost.

What the fuck just happened?

The other team celebrated like I was planning to. Magic’s assembled team came on the court and proceeds to play against … well, who cares because it wasn’t me. Swed and I were left to mope on the sidelines. Many Many Apologizes:

People had filed in to watch Magic play basketball, we tried to get into the next game but it was hopeless, everyone had announced they wanted next, next after next, and so on. To top it off Magic had said: “I have one game in me.” This was horrible. Swed and I sat with our backs to the wall watching Magic Johnson play basketball directly in front of us. On any other day just the sight of him playing would have been enough, but knowing I just blew the opportunity to play against him was like watching my girlfriend happily hook up with my best friend in front of me… it sucked.

Swed said, “Hallman, I thought you were gonna lay it up.”

Me: “Me too, but then I thought I’d toss you a great pass.”

It wasn’t a great pass and I knew I fucked up. We sat there sweaty and depressed watching Magic smiling in his street clothes torching people in a gym, and then like Magic Johnson’s vote into the All Star game in 1992 we were given a glimmer of hope. Some random dude who we didn’t know but were facially familiar with came up to us.

“Hey, my buddies aren’t coming and I only got 2. You guys want in the next game with me?”

“YES.”

And just like that we were back in, we had next game, but we needed to bank on two things going our way.

1) Magic’s team had to win, which in our minds was inevitable.

2) Magic had to be swayed into sticking around another game.

As Magic’s game was going we could tell his team was winning and Swed and I were on a side hoop warming up. I wasn’t doing much talking; just hoping Magic plays the next game… and secretly building up my confidence to be awesome on a basketball court.

His game finished, and of course his team won. Everyone on the court went to shake his hand and the new team (my team) walked onto the court asking him to stick around another game. Magic had a big ol’ smile on his face and said he’d play another, and when I heard that I looked to Swed and nearly kissed him out of happiness. Magic said he was instantly ready to go, which translates to: We’re playing right now.

As we were pairing up with which guys we’re going to cover, the dude who asked us to play came up to us and said, “My friends are here.” Huh? I said “Okay” and then the friends assumed they were going to play, one even said “You can have next game.”

Okay – typically I’m a pretty nice guy in these situations and try to find a happy medium, but I knew in the back of my head there was no fucking way I was leaving that court. I don’t even think Swed acknowledged the guy. I ended up telling one of the guys, “Dude, we’re not leaving.” At this moment I think I would have actually fought to stay on the court and fortunately these guys had 2 things working against them.

1) It’s poor pick up game etiquette to pull this late arrival shit.

2) Magic was ready to go, he didn’t care who was going to play, he just wanted to play, and on a court you listen to Magic Johnson – it was go time.

So we stayed on the court. Game time with MAGIC JOHNSON!

Truth be told, I don’t remember as much as I should from this game but remember odd specifics -

I remember that Magic had singled out a Asian kid on his team to be his go to man and I was slightly jealous of that, I remember Swed’s height allowed him to GUARD Magic (lucky bastard), I remember I missed my first shot and was scared Magic was judging my decision making, I remember everyone on both teams tried to be fancy, I remember Magic doing a behind the back pass and everyone being faked out and really happy we were faked out, I remember the 20 plus people who filed in to watch the game, I remember the looks of the 2 friends whose spots we took, but most importantly I remember “The Play.”

Although “The Play” is not a recognized moment in basketball history, I may argue that it should be.

The Play:

Magic took a few dribbles towards the hoop from the 3-point line then backed off a little. Everyone was running around being insanely proactive. Magic passed the ball to Asian Kid and he eventually passed it back to Magic. Magic started to dribble to the hoop and in unselfish fashion he proceeded to pass the ball behind his back. Only thing he didn’t know is that my adrenaline was rushing like I was on a Red Bull bender and I telegraphed his pass. I jumped right in front of the guy he was passing to and stole the ball.

I immediately dribbled the ball and started sprinting down the court to my hoop with one guy to beat currently backpedaling and about 15 feet ahead of me. Here’s the thing I need to clarify; I’m a stereotypical white guy on the basketball court. I feel much more comfortable shooting a jump shot than I do trying to make a contested lay up, because I always seem to screw up or look funny when I have a contested anything. Usually I’m okay with looking stupid but when you just stole a pass from the greatest point guard of all time and he’s suddenly running behind you, not to mention a road block of a dude in front of you, you can get a little nervous.

Somewhere in this moment there is a metaphor for life, I’m still kind of searching for it, but it was the perfect set up for exposing weakness. I had no choice but to face this head on because if I didn’t I would’ve had to banish myself from being a Man in the human race.

I dribbled towards the guy in front of me… I got closer to the basket… I was going fast… Suddenly the guy did another stereotypical white guy move and stood still with his hands in the air daring me to charge into him. On any given day I would have pulled up for a jumper but I channeled my inner Bob Cousy and made the greatest move of all time:

I faked right with the ball then dribbled left, the guy brought his hand down to swat the ball and somehow he missed, I suddenly had a step on him and I was going towards the basket. The guy jumped towards me as I was going up with the ball and in mid air I contorted my body and went under the hoop for a reverse lay up. If felt perfect, the ball left my hand and by the time my momentum carried me to the other side of the hoop I looked up to see the ball effortlessly falling in. HOLY SHIT!

I didn’t know what I just did but it felt awesome and I reacted as though I do it all the time. As I turned to run up the court Magic “the greatest point guard of all time” Johnson patted me on the back and said “Good Move.”

I knew at that moment I could retire from pick up basketball a happy man, and I think I almost did, but we still had a game to play.

The Finale:

It may sound unbelievable but we were winning. Swed was playing pretty well, I hit a few more shots and we found ourselves with a nice cushion, that cushion faded quickly when Magic decided to take things into his own hands and drop back to back 2-pointers to bring the game to within 1. The score was 10-9, and once again we were playing first to 11. We ran down the floor and missed our shot… Shit! In my mind I was thinking we might have just blown the chance to beat Magic.

As Magic dribbled down the court I wondered what he would do, would he pull up for another 2 pointer and end this thing? But then he did the second most unbelievable thing of the day and something that’s essentially banned during a pick up game. He dropped the ball and said, “Time out.”

Time out? Who calls Time out during a pick up game? I guess Magic Johnson, that’s who, and who would stop him? He proceeded to huddle his team together and draw up a play!

As he was drawing up his play everyone just kind of looked at each other thinking, can he call a time out?

He broke the huddled and we resumed. There was constant movement but you could tell the play was screwed immediately because Magic was visibly frustrated. He tried to find an open man… he couldn’t. Standing roughly 3 feet behind the 3-point line he casually took things into his own hands and put up another 2-point shot. Swoosh. Game Over. 11-10. Magic won. Post Game:

Immediately handshakes were exchanged and Magic packed his things up and left. Everyone sat in awe at what just happened. I proceeded to tell Swed about the pat on my back and comment he gave me. He didn’t care because he had his own story, but I didn’t care about that either… So we were basically just talking to ourselves…

As we drove home we were crazy.

As I went into my apartment I told every human I could.

I finally chilled out a little as everything sunk in. Hands down the greatest basketball day of my life. He was the nicest guy ever.

I know there is only one thing that can happen to this story: It’s going to be vastly exaggerated over time. But, I don’t care. As long as I mention the game, the play, and the Magic time out - then I know I’ve done justice.

As I watched “The Announcement” I contemplated making a documentary of my own called “The Play” … I wonder if I could get Magic? Honestly, I wouldn’t be shocked if he did it and then pretended to know what I was talking about. The guy is awesome, and not just on a basketball level. For the few moments I was around him he was nothing but genuine and probably very happy to leave everyone with a good memory… It’s basically how he left everyone in the NBA.

Final stats of the game:

3-6 with 3 points … I think. Ask me this in a few years and it will be 5-7 with 8 points.

Jeremy Lin!

If you’ve been living under a rock or aren’t a sports fan then you don’t know who Jeremy Lin is, and that’s okay. If you are a sports fan and you’re still confused as to who Lin is, then that’s not okay. I’m going to quickly fill in the blanks because this is currently 1 of 7.5 million posts that have been written about Lin in the last week –

Lin was sitting on the bench for the struggling Knicks, and less than a month ago he was demoted to the NBA developmental league. After he had a monster game in the D league he was pushed back up to the Knicks who were in desperate need of a point guard. As it was, Lin was the back up, back up, back up, back up in the point guard rotation for the Knicks. After a few injuries and other random set backs to those guys Lin was given his first shot to play 12 days ago… and he killed it.

After the game 12 days ago, he was entered into the starting rotation for the Knicks and they haven’t lost since, it’s been 6 games – tonight he goes for 7 in a row. Why is this significant? Where does someone begin? To start - The Knicks have been without their 2 best players while Lin was doing all of this, which turned the team on its head (more on that below) and he single handedly CPR’d the Knicks, breathing new life into them. Long story short… The Knicks are the best thing in sports (for now).

In no particular order - Thoughts, Questions, Observations, and Predictions for The Knicks:

- Mike D’Antoni has looked like a wreck with his Luigi moustache on the Knicks sideline. Since Lin has taken over he’s back to looking like himself during his Phoenix days. Lin has saved his job (for now). D’Antoni’s system works, with a point guard. It’s the anti Phil Jackson triangle of the NBA.

- Jeremy Lin has the best pun name ever: Linsane, Linsanity, Just Lin, Linning, Linderella, Lincredible, Played him like a vioLin…. You get the point.

- I love everything about the Lin story. He has pumped new life into what I consider a throw away season. I hate this shortened lock out season because it doesn’t seem that it totally counts. Looking back on the 2011-2012 NBA season there will be 2 asterisks. *Shortened lockout season and *Lin.

- If Lin started 2 weeks earlier he would be a starter in the NBA all-star game. With the departure of Yao Ming every vote from China has just gone to Lin. If Lin finishes this season and doesn’t suddenly disappear off the face of the planet I would bet 10:1 odds that he’s in next year’s all-star game as a top-3 vote getter.

- This has been said 100 times but its true - Tebow is to football as Lin is to basketball. People should take bets right now as to who will have a longer and more successful career… Then take bets on who is the better role model… I say Lin regarding career, Tebow regarding role model. At least Lin has a shot as president one day (Tebow was born in the Philippines).

- When has it ever happened in sports where 2 people have occupied so much attention then delivered to the hype - Lin with basketball and Tebow with football?

- Is Lin’s trademark going to be that band aide that’s half falling off his chin?

 

- Embracing reality and turning the Knicks on their head:

It’s not as thought the Knicks were irrelevant with talent. They have 2 big guys and 1 score machine named Carmelo Anthony and everyone is wondering how Melo is going to now fit with the Knicks. Until Lin, Melo has been the guy who takes all the last second shots and controls the ball, that isn’t the case anymore due to Lin’s antics.

If Melo somehow fucks up this chemistry when he comes back there is a real chance that the Knicks fans will boo him, which would not be good. I hope this works out for ball hog Melo, I really do. I hope he flourishes with Lin running the show and I hope Lin dishes out 15 assists per game. Only time will tell but if the Knicks keep winning before Melo comes back this could be a lose – lose and Melo may never hear the end of it.

- If Dan Brown replaced Robert Langdon with Jeremy Lin in his next book I wouldn’t mind.

- So we’re not talking about Lin’s 30 turnovers in 6 games because they have been winning, right?

- Is Baron Davis going to make a difference on the Knicks when he returns?

- We all know Lin went to Harvard, right? Where will Lin fall in the Ivy League players turned NBAers. Who else is there?

- I hope Lin is the real deal and I think he is. When I say real deal I mean a guy who can manage a game and be a viable option for a team. I’m not looking for Lin to keep pace with his incredible play; he has to come down to earth at some point, right?

- Lin has reminded me that a point guard is more important than I remember.

- 66 game season. Knicks are currently 14-15. 6-0 with Lin. 37 games to go. I predict the Knicks finish 24-13 making the Knicks over all record 38-28, and making Lin’s overall record 30-13 as a starter.

In this blah NBA season I couldn’t be happier that this is happening. There hasn’t been a time in the last 10-15 years that I’ve really liked the Knicks. I’ve liked them but I wasn’t blatantly rooting for them. I like Melo and am a huge Amare fan but this Lin phenomenon has me rooting for them night in and night out, and especially rooting for him. I think I may have finally forgot about Latrell “Bad as Hell” Sprewell and the NY Knicks era.

Team Lin.

Thoughts and Advice: The Quarterback

It’s official. A couple days after the most watched Super Bowl / TV program of all time the NFL season has concluded. Truthfully, my season took a major hit somewhere around 5pm PST on January 15th 2012. It was then that I watched super Eli torch the Packers the same way he did a few years ago, and I was once again reminded that it’s foolish to be so invested into something you have no control over. Am I masking my pain right now – Yes, probably.

Us Green Bay Packers fans were spoiled last year and by the out-of-nowhere Packers. We were spoiled with Aaron Rodgers nailing the Favre memory coffin and we were spoiled with a near perfect season…. Damn you for being so good then so bad! Who cares, it’s over time to move on and think of the 2012-2013, but truthfully part of me doesn’t want to think about it, I need a break. I can’t take losing any more bets and thinking about what could be… I’m taking a NFL sabbatical.

Before I stop talking about the NFL and put my efforts into more important things like movies, writing, reality TV, the Internet, and contemplating watching Justin Bieber’s movie on Netflix. I would like to give my advice on the most coveted position in the NFL: The Quarterback.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, where your QB goes, the team will follow. The new NFL coddling rules for a QB has made the position more important than ever. Having said that and moving forward I give you the:

Random Thoughts and Advice for the 2012-2013 starting QB’s of the NFL.

Arizona Cardinals - Kevin Kolb: Dude, I hope you stay away from the injuries and moving forward you need to stop thinking about all the hype you had going into the Cardinals season. Smile in your picture next year, you look miserable.

Atlanta Falcons - Matt Ryan: Change your name to Jack and channel your inner Tom Clancy.

Baltimore Ravens – Joe Flacco: I’ve always though Flacco could be named Flacman and have a legit chance of being a superhero somewhere. Just stay away from Ray Lewis.

Buffalo Bills – Ryan Fitzpatrick: We get it. You went to Harvard and have a massive beard, but the mystique has worn off. Shave that beard already.

Carolina Panther – Cam Newton: Probably one of the best rookies I didn’t watch. Newton is going to be a monster if he can stay healthy and everyone knows it.

Chicago Bears – Jay Cutler: Cutler watch out for Josh McNown… Yeah I’m just kidding. Cutler should start a new reality show with Kristen Cavalari and follow in the footsteps of Khloe and Lamar. HBO presents: (Insert anything here regarding Hard Knocks and Jay Cutler reality)

Cincinnati Bengals – Andy Dalton: Andy Dalton either sounds like a serial killer or everyone’s best friend… which is the trait of a serial killer!

Cleveland Browns – Colt McCoy: In the history of life has there ever been a more Texan name than Colt McCoy? Wait… he was born in New Mexico? But he went to Texas for college? Did he change his name midway through life just to fit in? Mind. Can’t. Compute. It was just meant to be. Last thing I remember is McCoy behind leveled in a game and playing through a concussion. Stay healthy.

Dallas Cowboys – Tony Romo:  I love Tony Romo for a few reasons: 1) He’s from Wisconsin. 2) He still sports starter gear like it’s 1995. 3) He kind of reminds me of Favre. Moving forward Romo needs to find any possible wide receiver that’s out there… Even T.O!

Denver Broncos – Tim Tebow: Will Tebow even be the starter next season? If so, for how long? I love this guy; he made the NFL amazing this year. My advice for Tebow is to ultimately ask himself for advice because he seems to have it all figured out.

Detroit Lions – Matt Stafford: The Staff-infection. Congrats on staying healthy this year, I hope (and dare you) to do it again.

Green Bay Packers – Aaron Rodgers: Bring back the Title Belt victory “dance”! You had the best consistent celebration going until Timothy Tebow started Tebowing… Embrace your celebration! Don’t hide behind the discount double check commercials.

Houston Texans – Matt Schaub errr Matt Lienart errr T.J. Yates: Um seriously who is the starting QB? Can’t Arian Foster just play this position and get it over with?

Indianapolis Colts – Peyton Manning: Not sure what’s going to happen here. Is it going to be Andrew Luck? Peyton, my advice to you is go ask Eli what to do, he seems to know it all. But seriously, I think Peyton should join the Jets and allow the Mannings to own NY.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Blaine Gabbert: I love Gabbert basically because of his last name. I’ve seen Gabbert playing for a total of 3 minutes this year… and that’s via ESPN highlights.

Miami Dolphins – Chad Henne: Hmmm, don’t know much about Henne, just make room for Matt Flynn.

Minnesota Vikings – Christian Ponder: Remember Donovan McNabb? Remember Brett Favre before McNabb!? Ponder has never looked better.

New England Patriots – Tom Brady: Is Tom Brady going to go down in history as the guy who has a “but he…” on his resume? IE: Tom Brady was maybe the greatest quarterback ever but he always lost to Eli. Or, Tom Brady lost to Eli but he is married to Giselle so whatever.

New Orleans Saints – Drew Brees: Why do I feel like Brees plays for nothing? It seems like he should have come away with so much more this past season.

New York Giants – Eli Manning: In Eli I trust. He’s got a monster head - seriously he still looks like a little kid in that oversized helmet and if he’s anywhere close to the playoffs next year…. Watch out.

New York Jets – Mark Sanchez: I get the feeling that Sanchez is living the life right now but it’s starting to catch up to him. If he doesn’t perform next year I think he’s done. Advice to him: Don’t lose in NY.

Oakland Raiders – Carson Palmer: What are they going to do with the quarterback fiasco in Oakland, and how poorly did this past season play out for The Raiders? Palmer needs to get off the surfboard and start playing; I think next season is his last shot (kind of like Sanchez)

Philadelphia Eagles – Mike Vick: I get the feeling Vick is going to be amazing next year (don’t say a dog joke, don’t say a dog joke) if I were him I would lobby for a wide receiver. Vick is good but he needs someone who’s his prime target.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Ben Roethlisberger: Did Ben really think he was going to beat Tebow in the playoffs? Fortunately Tebow just wiped Ben’s sins away, meaning next year it looks like the Steelers will be back in the Super Bowl with Mike “don’t blink” Tomlin.

San Diego Chargers – Phillip Rivers: Rivers reminds me of a crazy Chucky doll for some reason. This guy needs to just keep yelling at people and I think he’ll be fine.

San Francisco 49ers – Alex Smith: Was this past season a fluke? Will Harbaugh consider taking over for Smith as the QB? I don’t watch many 49ers games but you know what this guy needs to do – run more, he’s deceitfully fast.

Seattle Seahawks – Tavaris Jackson: It took me a minute to remember that Hasselbeck isn’t their QB anymore. Jackson just needs to keep playing into the Pete Carrol’s system and he’ll be fine. I actually find this guy to be underrated.

St. Louis Rams – Sam Bradford: Advice to you… hand the ball off as many times as possible.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Josh Freeman: Full discretion – I know nothing about the Bucs.

Tennessee Titans - Matt Hasselbeck:  Matt, you have a few years left… I still love you because you were an amazing back up on the Packers, and I’ll never forget your coin flip fuck up in the playoffs. Advice moving forward: Get out of Tennessee.

Washington Redskins – Rex Grossman: Why do I feel like this is one of the most dysfunctional teams in the NFL? Grossman needs to hand it off.

Words of wisdom from someone who is so irrelevant to a NFL player that it’s not even worth thinking about how far I’d fall on the totem pole. It’s my final assessment and my best chance to close the door on this NFL season only to wait for a key to arrive for next season. I’m genuinely happy for the Giants… it was a great season. Must. Focus. Elsewhere.

 

 

 

Chris Paul: The Ex Girlfriend

As a Lakers fan I went through a wave of emotions yesterday. In the morning I was talking to my buddy and we were discussing Dwight Howard and Chris Paul, I was saying how I’d love it if the Lakers got Superfreak Dwight Howard and then we joked for about 3 minutes about how amazing the Lakers would be with both Paul and Howard. About 3 hours later I got this call:

Me: Hello

Him: Did you hear!?

Me: Huh?

Him: Paul for Odom AND Gasol!

(silence)

Me: Dude?

Him: Paul FOR Odom and Gasol!

Me: Don’t fuck with me man, I’m walking down 4th street and can’t take this right now.

Him: Seriously it’s all over the radio!

I ran and checked the Internet but it wasn’t there, apparently 710 ESPN in LA is faster than the Internet. As I scoured various sport outlets to read more I started to think about the trade. I thought about how much I loved Gasol and was even starting to come around to Odom. I started to think of Andrew Bynum’s peanut butter knees and how we’ll have to rely on him, I thought about how this would affect Derrick Fisher, but then I went back to how much I really loved Gasol.

Quick side story on Gasol: I was at a game and as Gasol was walking back to the court after halftime, some crazy fan jumped about 2 feet over the railing right in front of Gasol. As security was running to apprehend the guy, the guy quickly pulled out a marker. Gasol stopped the security guards and slyly grabbed the marker and signed the guy’s jersey. Security ushered him back to his seat. If I wasn’t sold on Gasol, I was then.

You know what else is really weird about Gasol and Odom – my girlfriend knows who they are. Aside from Kobe, I think they’re the only players she actively cares about. In a different time I could picture Gasol as the Dos Equis most interesting man alive, not sure why but he appeals to women… he just does. She knows Odom because he’s a Kardashian – we’ll leave it at that.

Finally the Paul story popped up and it was true, the three-team deal was taking place and I needed to come to terms with two 7 feet players leaving. I had to say goodbye to two key components to rebuilding the Lakers after Shaq departed.

After I was sort of coming to terms with this whole trade and starting to envision Paul tossing an alley-oop to Kobe and Kobe then has to do an acrobatic lay up because his legs are not 23 years old anymore I was officially coming around. I know how great Chris Paul is, that’s not up for question, it’s just the size we’ve lost and the instability of Bynum that’s keeping me worried. And then I get a message….

“The trade was vetoed”

What the fuck? I come to learn Dan “I can’t keep LeBron James so I throw tempter tantrums” Gilbert shot out some email and this is viewed as an unfair trade. The Lakers aren’t getting Chris Paul... And then a moment that happens to every human at some point in their life took place:

The Lakers not getting Chris Paul made me want him even more. I somehow forgot about Gasol’s kindness and Odom’s Kardashian-ness. All I could think about is Chris Paul doing his best Magic Johnson impression to the Lakers last season in the playoffs. I started to envision his healthy knees tossing a half court pass to Kobe and Kobe some how is flying when he catches it, then he dunks on someone.

Chris Paul has become something I want even more because we can’t have him. He’s like the ex girlfriend you didn’t like but she pulled the trigger to break it off with you and suddenly the girlfriend looks about 9 times better. I’m still in this phase. I’m trying to remind myself that when these things don’t happen it’s usually for the better, somehow it always works out.

I have this gut feeling that we’ll get Paul… somehow… someway. In my perfect world we’d get him in free agency next year and the entire Lakers roster reorders their contracts just to sign Paul, just so the Lakers can give the emphatic fuck you to everyone.

Final thoughts:

Even though I know Dan Gilbert isn’t the only man behind this I’ve never been Team LeBron more than I am right now.

It’s too bad we couldn’t get Dwight Howard - that may solve everything.

My friend just text me and said I had a man crush on Chris Paul.

NFL Players: What Are You Talking About?

It’s time I come to terms and try to open a discussion about the culture that is NFL lingo. I don’t know if I should be ashamed with what I’m about to say or if others have been concealing this too. I know I can’t be in this boat by myself but as an NFL fan I’ve been lying to myself.

David Fleming from ESPN the Magazine had a conversation with Aaron Rodgers for their “Interview Issue.”

Side Note: Out on Stand Dec 12th, and also a great read.

The conversation is essentially a breakdown and the progress of Aaron Rodgers. Being a massive Packers fan I took a little more interest in what he had to say, then I read something…

Coming off of a question about James Jones and a Touchdown. Flemings question is in BOLD.

Is part of that getting to a place where complicated reads, such as the TD to Jones, just become second nature?

"It's quicker reactions and being more decisive with my checks. When you really start figuring things out as a quarterback, you realize you don't have to be perfect every time, but you do have to be quick and decisive. On that play, we had James on the left and Greg Jennings on the right. The pass check was for James to run a man-beater route -- a route with a double move that works well against single coverage. We were hoping the Chargers would go to a one-high safety look. Instead, they played more quarters, where each DB plays a quarter of the field, and they used high-low coverage on Greg. My quick reaction was that we still have man coverage on the other side with James, who is running a man-beater route. It wasn't perfect, but we still had good options to work with."

When I finished reading A Rodg’s response I thought - “Oh, So Rodgers makes quicker decisions and he passed to Jones because Jennings was initially covered.” But that’s the problem right there! That’s only sort of what Rodgers said, as a matter of fact he said a few things that I have no fucking clue what they mean:

“We were hoping the Chargers would go to a one-high safety look.”

“…The pass check was for James to run a man-beater route -- a route with a double move…"

”Instead, they played more quarters, where each DB plays a quarter of the field…”

“…and they used high-low coverage on Greg.”

In one answer I’m partially confused, not totally but partially, and the thing is – this isn’t some fluke answer, this is how regular repartee is in the NFL. Come on. As a fan when I talk to my buddy I don’t say “Wow, did you see the secondary in that nickel defense? I can’t believe the corners dropped back.”

I say “Dude, Jones just caught a good fucking pass from Rodgers! Touchdown!”

I can appreciate the coaches/players analysis and it’s not as though I want it to be stopped, I just want a better explanation. There’s no way these guys can think we all know what they’re talking about. Come to think of it, Ron Jaworski from Monday Night Football has great breakdowns and explains regarding what he’s talking about. But he’s one of the few.

Can I be alone on this? No way, I just can’t. I want a simplistic analysis from these guys; they have to know it’s what we want (or I want). I’m kind of getting tired of sitting in a room with my football friends and hearing some rubix cube of an explanation of what just happened and then nobody acknowledges it.

Am I alone on this? Is it just part of the football culture? Did I just out myself as a moronic football fan?

A link to the article: http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/7295185/nfl-green-bay-aaron-rodgers-greatest-season-qb-ever-had

Adios Jinx: The Perfect Green Bay Packers Season

I’m a sports fan, and being a sports fan means I believe in random superstitions and raw emotion generally tanks logic more than I’d like to admit. I occasionally believe in random jinxes and from time to time am afraid to admit this to myself simply because I feel to embarrassed…I’m a sports fan.

In my world you walk a fine line between gloating and creating the ultimate jinx, it’s actually tough not to cross the two - The reason we worry about a jinx is because we have a personal investment in the team, we actually care. The reason we gloat is because we’re so proud as if we’re actually quarterbacking the team.

I’ve turned the other cheek and am very careful not to create commotion in my jinx world; I’ve played it safe because I’ve been burned before.

I’ve played it cool… I’ve played it smart… I didn’t want to jinx a single person… I didn’t want to jinx my team. But today that changes.

Fuck you potential jinx. Today I announce what I’ve been thinking all NFL season:

The Green Bay Packers are going undefeated. I want them to go undefeated. I never want them to lose.

Somewhere my friend Alex just got very pissed off with me for “calling it” but I had too, and I know he’s thinking the same thing too, but neither one of us want to be responsible if they lose.

I hate it when ESPN starts with the Miami Dolphin undefeated 72’ season talk at weeks 2 and to be honest I’m sick of them leading off shows with “Looks like the Dolphins can pop the champagne” once the 5-0 whoever lose their game. I don’t want to hear about it anymore, I want to hear about the 2011 Packers going undefeated - all the way through the Super Bowl.

Here’s why they’ll do it:

The Offense: Is it just me or do these guys really like each other? If the Packers were on Hard Knocks I bet we’d see them playing monopoly with each other’s families. Why is it important for them to like each other? Duh, they want each other to succeed.

Aaron Rodgers: It’s a good time to be QB in the NFL; A Rodg is experiencing that right now. As long as he’s going… the Packers will not lose.

Well, wait… I’ll stop, that’s it, that’s why they’ll go undefeated. The A Rodg led offense is so good that it’s tough to keep up with them at this moment in time, the only way you can come close to beating them is by keeping them off the field.

Why they won’t do it:

Injures: That’s it.

Old me would have just given myself the Larry David skeptical stare down and asked why I just opened the door on a potential jinx of injuries, poor Rodgers play, bad offensive play, and the perfect season. New Me is the guy staring back at Larry David confident in whatever I just said – knowing the only way to this machine down is through the unfortunate injury.

The Packers are good and my logic is telling me nobody can stop them, they’re currently like the opening sequence of Last Boy Scout where Billy Banks is running down the field shooting everyone because nobody will stop them… The Packers are him - minus the gun.

Today I denounce a jinx. ESPN please start prepping any and all clever things you have to say about the Miami Dolphins and Green Bay Packers. The Packers are going 16-0.

I say this with confidence.

Novak at the US OPEN This picture is the moment that Rodger Federer’s career changed. T

Novak at the US OPEN

This picture is the moment that Rodger Federer’s career changed. This was taken moments after Novak Djokovic basically blasted a forehand winner back to Fed.

The point didn’t allow Novak to win the game but rather it was like when you were a kid got flicked in the nose by another kid. It’s annoying, it hurts, and you don’t know how to react.

After Novak flicked Fed he egged on the crowd in NY. This picture is the game changer and we now realize more than ever that Fed is officially declining… a new guy is here… and he’ll flick your nose.