Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be possible to hate dogs. I love dogs. I’m that guy who goes out of my way to play with dogs. When I’m at a party and someone has a dog, I find that dog. My sister has a dog, his name is Summit, he may be man’s best friend, and when I say “may be” I mean he IS man’s best friend. Greatest dog ever 10 years running, and he’ll continue to be the greatest dog until the end of time. But, lets not go down that road, I can’t think of a life without Summit.

So I love dogs, great, fantastic, who doesn’t? Ohhhhh right. Me! But how, how could this possibly happen? What the fuck? I’m so conflicted in my dog loving life. I’ll tell you how it could possibly happen… Los Angeles happened.

This may not be totally accurate but it seems as though 95% of Los Angeles owns dogs that are smaller than the size of my 10.5 foot. These little dogs are running crazy, they’re maniacs. Never have I seen so many Chihuahua’s in my life. For the record I just had to auto spell “Chihuahua” – even the spelling seems insane. But it’s not just Chihuahuahuhhauha’s, it’s other small dogs. How could there be so many small crazy dogs. Well that part is kind of obvious, to me at least —

I live in West Hollywood / Hollywood area. It’s so small and condensed. People who want dogs end up getting small dogs and since there are so many people BOOM there are so many dogs, simple. But still, that doesn’t add up to why I hate these things. So let me peel back another layer and try to save face. It’s not the dogs that I hate… it’s the owners of the dogs.

As of right now it seems as though my anger is unjustified and is totally all over, it is, and that’s only because I feel bad writing this. I feel bad hating things. So here we go, here’s my justification:

My problem is when dog owners find it okay for their dog to just jump up on you, bark, run past your office door, or really anything that people find cute just because. The things that people find cute, I find it totally annoying. I don’t care about other dogs, and PEOPLE don’t care about other dogs. I don’t think. But really, why do dog owners think just because their dog is cute then everyone thinks it’s cute? What is that?

People treat their dogs like they’re the second coming just because it successfully sat down or didn’t take a shit on the street. These dogs are getting away with societal murder.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on people being able to travel with their dogs on airplanes as “helper” dogs because they need “emotional” support. Fuck off. What an insult to people who actually need a dog with them. It’s a slap in the face. Emotional support? Really? You’re not emotionally equipped to be without your dog for a weekend?

Taking a breath…

Trying to make sense of why I even started to write this…

Oh right! So my problem is with dog owners and it’s starting to transfer to the dogs. I know it’s happening and I can’t stop it, that’s the scary part. Sometimes when I see a dog minding its dog business some negative thought enters my mind and I try to stop it, trying to think of other reasons why I like dogs, but negativity takes over like some kind of virus. But I guess that’s what negative thoughts do; they can easily take over so much faster than anything positive.

Maybe I need to get out of this bubble that is Los Angeles and get back to seeing what I consider normal dogs — Dogs that you can actually play with, dogs that I feel like I can’t physically harm with my one hand just by petting it, dogs that don’t have a size complex, and dogs that sound like they’ve hit dog puberty when they bark.

I remember Bob Barker used to always sign off the Price is Right by saying, “Don’t forget to get your dogs neutered.” My God was he ahead of the curve.

What a strange rant this has been. I was hoping to talk through my current day totally-out-of-the-blue-dog-hate. I kind of did, it’s the owners…

For the record I need to say that to all my friends with small dogs. I love your dogs.