I honestly haven’t been to the theater for so long that I’m actually too embarrassed to admit it. The main reason is because I was spoiled with screeners this past Oscar season so I’ve been staying in… at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I’m worried that I’m reaching a point that I never have wanted to get to - A point where going to a theater is actually more of a hassle than enjoyment. Fuck. I’m kind of not accepting that that may be the case.

It’s tough to go to movies that aren’t great and sit in a theater with people texting, people talking, occasional bad sound, over priced tickets, over priced parking, and people coughing. Am I becoming neurotic? I really hope not. I don’t want to lose my love for going to the theater more than I already have. This weekend I break my slump that I’ve been in these past few months… I. Am. Going. To. See. A. Movie.

This is what I’m (we’re) working with:

NEW RELEASES:

Project X: The “found footage” film that’s being advertised as Superbad on coke. It’s from producer Todd Phillips, who did The Hangover, and he has a certain knack for these kind of movies. This film kind of seems like an obvious choice – I’m interested. However it’s kind of getting horrible reviews, as of Friday morning it’s got a 26% rating on rotten tomatoes. Not sure if it’s going to toss me from seeing it, I sure as shit don’t think it’s going to stop the teens, early 20 year old’s, and people who are high from seeing it.

Speaking of people getting high…

The Lorax: The animated Dr. Seuss film that’s being present in 3D, IMAX 3D, 3DDDD, and every other kind of thing that isn’t 2D. Truthfully I was interested in the Lorax, it seems right up my alley in terms of feel good animation films, until my friend told me it was horrible. I had to confirm, so I went to trusty rotten tomatoes to find out what the deal is – 65% rating. Eh.

It’s funny how movie reviews work. I feel like when you really like a movie then reviews don’t matter and you tell yourself you’re smarter than people who gave it bad reviews. When you hate a movie then reviews totally matter and everyone is on tune with how you feel, and when you barely want to see anything, they also matter because if it’s a bad review you won’t go.

If you’re like me, and for some odd are reason turning into a neurotic old man who doesn’t want to sit in movies because you feel like your time is so precious that the movie better be amazing, here are other options that aren’t new releases:

Wanderlust: Movie bombed but I heard it’s good. It’s with Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd.

Safe House: Denzel and Reynolds.

The Vow: The reality is, if you haven’t already seen this you aren’t going to it this weekend. The Vow has been out for weeks now.

The Grey: Why the shit haven’t I seen this movie!? I’ve heard nothing but good things about it. One of my friends seemed as though he had to smoke a cigarette after watching it.

Tyler Perry presents a Tyler Perry movie starring Tyler Perry not as Madea with Terry Perry called a presentation by Tyler Perry featuring Tyler Perry in Good Deeds starring Tyler Perry: The age old debate that TP is the worst thing to ever happen to film or the best thing to ever happen to film rages on. He makes films for a specific culture and presses on stereotypes like he’s a racist white man… but he’s not. His movies generate huge income and he has a huge following. This is another movie that you’ve either already seen and are going back or you’re not seeing it.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance: Errr.. Nick Cage.

Act of Valor: This film killed it last week. As I’m sure you already know from the onslaught of advertisements, the film features active Navy Seals. I hear it’s kind of cool.

Journey 2: The Rock!: Okay so that’s not the actual title but Journey 2 has lost it’s audience to The Lorax.

This Means War: Chris Pine, Reece Witherspoon, and Tom Hardy. This movie flopped, what happened here? Pine is a movie star, Witherspoon was, and Hardy will be if he isn’t already.

AND:

Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie: This currently has a limited release; I saw it at Sundance and its nuts. Here’s the TRAILER. I encourage myself and anyone else to see a movie this weekend. Honestly I kind of have my sights set on Project X so I hope to have something positive to report. I’m kind of curious how they’ll pull off the found footage aspect in this. Enjoy the movie watching weekend, and remember… don’t F-ing text in a dark movie!

In honor of George Lucas bringing back the same product for the 20^th time around but just making a few tweaks I think it’s only right we discuss the movies coming out this weekend. Truthfully I would talk movies anyway but this was a good segway, and before we jump into anything else we need to discuss The Phantom Menace, which is coming out 13 years later after it’s original release.

Lets take a few steps back here because something has happened to me, as I’ve grown older…

I once was an avid Star Wars defender. Truth is I saw Star Wars late in life (my teens) but once I got it, I was in. I went with my friend Jon to the midnight showing of Phantom Menace in Wisconsin and tried to find the good in it – even Jar Jar Binks. I saw Episode 2 and defended CGI Yoda and also the casting of Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker. I then went and waited in line for Episode 3 and found myself loving it the 3 times I saw it in the theater.

I was one of the guys, who overly defended Lucas for anything he was doing “wrong” like when he replaced the original Anakin in Jedi, added new scenes to the original trilogy, changed Jar Jar’s voice, and planned to re-release in 3-D (to name a few). I was on board with his excuse that what he was currently releasing was how he envisioned it all along but technology hadn’t caught up yet.

Then… Something hit me. I realized I’m under the force of Lucas and I’ve been defending things I don’t believe in. It makes no sense as to why I’d defend George Lucas. I like Star Wars for what it was and what it did. I came to terms with the fact that Lucas has been adding to something that shouldn’t change. One argument, which is totally valid, is that it’s his product and he can do what he wants. But the other argument is, which is totally valid, is that he’s fucking insecure with what he made so he keeps changing it, and can’t make anything new (and good).

Changing things to 3-D is one thing, but updating a classic is another. I’m not sure Lucas understands that people don’t want new added into the original Star Wars. It took me long enough to learn the name of the Mos Eisley Cantina on Tatooine, I don’t want to be hit with more fictitious names. If you really think about what he’s doing it’s pretty unbelievable… he’s blatantly altering it!

Worst part is… I’m going to see it again! I’m angry with myself and I’m angry I’m under the force of George Lucas and his Santa beard. I digress…

The Phantom Menace is back. It’s currently tracking to make 33 million this weekend. That’s pretty big. I wonder why Lucas didn’t start with the originals. Lucas said he’s releasing new 3-D Star Wars every 2 years. At the current rate we’re not going to get to Jedi until 2022. This just in George Lucas: in 2022 we’re going to have holograms and technology better than 3-D. But you already know that. What are you going to do to Star Wars!?

Other Movies:

I should note that this is Valentines Day weekend and the follow movies are the perfect consumer slate before the “Holiday.”

The Vow: Dear John meets The Notebook. Channing Tatum meets Rachel McAdams. What could go wrong? Nothing. Here are all possible scenarios of why you’d see this movie:

You’re a single female and you love Channing Tatum.

You’re in a relationship and you love Channing Tatum.

You’re in a relationship and you’re desperate to have sex with your girlfriend.

You’re in a relationship and the female runs the show.

You’re in high school.

You read the book.

That pretty much covers it, right?

Safe House: Denzel and Ryan Reynolds. It’s amazing how I currently feel about Denzel, he’s still the man but isn’t the draw he once was. It seems like his sweet spot is to play the Training Day/Man On Fire Guy. It’s the “Don’t fuck with me” Denzel. All in all, this movie is intriguing and in a sense is the anti-Vow. Is it the anti-Vow? I feel like this movie is perfect because women love Denzel and Ryan Reynolds.

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island: I love The Rock. I really do. I wish this foray in kids movies worked out for him but they just haven’t hit. This is the film you take your kids too when you can’t take them to The Vow or Safe House and Phantom Menace is sold out.

Movies that aren’t geared toward Valentines Day and people won’t see… but maybe should:

Rampart: Don’t know much about this movie but I hear it’s a thriller and Woody Harrelson is great in it. I’ll probably see this at some point… maybe even in the theater.

In Darkness: Another movie I don’t know much about, but it sounds somewhat interesting… maybe a bit slow. The Plot: IN DARKNESS tells the true story of Leopold Soha who risks his own life to save a dozen people from certain death. Initially only interested in his own good, the thief and burglar hides Jewish refugees for 14 months in the sewers of the Nazi-occupied town of Lvov (former Poland).

The reviews aren’t too bad and I heard the director, Agniezka Holland, is very good.

I want to give a quick “not yet a movie but almost there” shout out to two trailers that were released this week:

The Amazing Spider Man

And

The Bourne Legacy

If you haven’t checked them out I suggest you do. They’re both reboots in their own right but they both look great.

Whatever you see this weekend (if anything) just know that I may be struggling through Phantom Menace at one point or another. Fucking, George Lucas.