Emergency Row Issues.

Every few months I go on rants about how there is no method or madness to airports or TSA regulations. Every airport in America seems different. Every airport seems to follow a different set of TSA rules. Every airport seems to be confused and hoping nothing goes wrong. It’s all a bunch of confusing bullshit. To add to that list is the emergency row… This will be quick and truthfully I once wrote something about the emergency row but it’s worth mentioning again.

I just booked a ticket on Virgin. I upgraded to main cabin select which happens to be a seat in the emergency row, which means I get free TV, free internet, free movies, unlimited free drinks, I pay more money, and OH, I get to fucking save some lives if shit hits the fan. Did I mention that I get free drinks and will most likely be partly drunk on this flight?

This is all so confusing. It’s a blatantly obvious trap to pocket more money and screw over consumers. If airlines really cared about the emergency exit and saving lives no drinks would be allowed and I’d think the ticket would be cheaper. Right? Yet, it’s a flawless system. I just upgraded to the emergency row for the hope of free stuff and leg room! I just paid money to be put into a row where I can either be a hero or a total drunken loser who doesn’t know how to open the emergency row.

Best case scenario -- a slightly drunk hero who had a ton of leg room until shit hit the fan. Goddamn you airlines.

Virgin America: This Sounds Amazing

Image The deal above arrived in my inbox this morning. Yes, I do subscribe to Virgin America deals. No, I’m not ashamed to admit it. Why? For e-mails like this. Can we take a second and admire how awesome this sounds:

Get Galactic Status. Join Mission: Galactic and fly Virgin America, Virgin Atlantic, and Virgin Australia throughout the year to get in the running for a Virgin Galactic suborbital space flight.

Huh!? A space flight!

Exit Row: Every Man For Himself!

So let me see if I understand this – in case of emergency I’m supposed to rely on average Joe to unlatch the door and help me?

You know for all the precautions that an airline takes before, during, and after a flight you’d think that there may be more guidelines to manning the emergency exit. The thing about the emergency exit / emergency row is that people don’t look at it as a chance to be put in a very fucked up situation; they look at it as a chance to get more legroom.

Here’s the thing: If I’m going to have to take off 40 percent of my clothing before getting x-rayed, pay extra to board a flight early, pay extra for luggage, and occasionally pay extra to sit closer to the front of the plane… then I want more assurance at the emergency exits.

This is what I propose:

Instead of having Joe the hungover college guy and Ted the 13 year old who barely meets the exit row age requirement sit at the exit row, how about airlines offer some incentives? Such as: If people take online courses that they pay 100 dollars for say… a week or a total number of hours then they automatically can fly free in the exit row - if it’s open - If it’s not open then they buy a full priced ticket.

What this will do is A) make some money for the airlines because tons of people would think they’d win the golden ticket and get a free flight that would otherwise cost 400 dollars. Yes, some lucky people would fly free in the exit row. B) Give some sort of reassurance to people that “Hey, the guy at the exit door may actually know how to open that door in case of an emergency.”

Proposing online courses for exiting exit rows sounds stupid you say? Yeah, I kind of think they’re stupid too but our system in America has online courses for college and driving classes… so it’s not that far fetched.

Let’s be honest – Nobody really thinks we’d ever need to use the exit row. I have this feeling that in the back of everyone’s mind is when or if there were some emergency that required the emergency exit then it’s every man for himself. The exit row is a glaring area where everyone turns the check on “worrying” about it. Nobody ever really thinks we’d need it.

Another idea is to put certifiably trained people in the seats that have a history of being cool under extreme situations. Will this be a waste for passengers flying from one place to another? Sure, they’d take up the seats. But come on – the airlines waste so much manpower on bullshit already. Today at the airport I saw a guy toss a lighter into the trash and make a joke about it -“Whoops!”

For the record, if there is no change then I’m okay with the way it is, but lets acknowledge that the announcements in the beginning and asking people if they’re okay to sit in the exit row means nothing. Fortunately I feel confident that I could wrestle my way to the emergency exit before anyone else…

Every man for himself, right?