Twilight: Breaking Dawn - I Want My Two Hours Back.

Two things just happened. 1- my girlfriend just asked me if I’d like some wine and 2 – my friend just text me that he’s watching The Godfather 2. The text he sent me reminded me that movies are good, and some movies are fucking awesome -The Godfather part 2. Thank God he reminded me because I just walked out of the new Twilight movie, and for the first time in a while felt embarrassed. Embarrassed for the actors, the director, the author, the man responsible for CGI, myself, myself for not walking out, and the movie as a whole.

I need my glass of wine.

To be clear we need to state a few facts: This was part 4 of the Twilight “saga”, it’s currently raking in money like Wall Street, kids under the age of 18 love it, and it’s got a following that doesn’t indicate any reason for slowing down.

I’m trying to wrap my head around the absurdity of this movie and think I’m coming close to getting a handle on how terrible it is. I need to be clear that I didn’t see this movie out of boyfriend obligation; I saw this movie because I had an (hidden) interest.

I’ve seen the past 3 movies – my girlfriend and I did a marathon about 6 months ago and watched all 3 at home. Cheesy? Yes. But I could see the interest and truthfully engaged in the age-old debate of Team Edward VS Team Jacob.

Side Note: If at this point you don’t know what I’m talking about stop reading and save yourself. The references only get worse.

As I was saying… I was team Edward, yeah that’s right. I was Team Mr. Passionate and thought that Jacob “Teen Wolf” Lautner was kind of a loser. I never felt like the movies did a good job with his character (still don’t) but I do think the marketing was brilliant with the Ed VS Jake angle.

Why is this particular marketing important? The reality is, is that’s all the movie had to hang its hat on, I think they knew they were exploited at the utter shittiness of what was happening and the acting so they created this great heart throb VS heart throb thing when it actually should have been Team “Bella is a raging bitch”. For the record I’ve since changed to Team Jacob.

After seeing this movie I had to question what it was about the other films that made me keep watching. If the previous movies were as bad as this I would have never stepped foot in the theater.

Was it the director? Maybe, but probably not – Bill Condon was new to the franchise but they haven’t had the same director on any of the past films… which, actually says a lot. For the record I do find it odd that Condon is known for Chicago, Kinsey, and Dreamgirls. Seriously? That’s the director you wanted for this movie? Was it the writer? No, Melissa Rosenberg has written all of the films. The Actors? No, all the same.

Then it hit me! The only logical answer was that I watched all 3 Twilights in my own home while drinking wine and pausing as I pleased. That had to be it. The small screen doesn’t exploit bad movies like the big screen does. Also, lets not forget I was drinking, which always helps lighten the mood.

If you’ve seen this movie then you know what I’m talking about and agree with me. If you’ve seen it and don’t agree with me then you’re either attached to the movie or are under the age of 16. If you haven’t seen this movie … consider yourself lucky. However, IF you’re debating on seeing it then it means you’ve seen the other 3… or dating someone… either way you’re going into the movie and I apologize in advance.

If what you just read above hasn’t convinced you, you need not worry. Because I present to you the Why Twilight Part 4 was Horrible List:

***Of course there are Spoilers***

The Acting: I never like to get too negative about anyone who is doing what they want to do, but that’s not going to stop me right now. Prime Target numero uno – Taylor Lautner.

Dude, congratulations for having a He-Man body at age 19 but I want you to watch this movie and honestly say you did a good job… you can’t.

I feel like Lautner picked up the script, circled his scenes, didn’t finish reading the script itself, then came in and did his scenes without caring about what’s happening and why it’s happening. One of the lead characters should never be this bad… he just shouldn’t. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart made me depressed by their half assed attempt to love each other and have a baby. And the supporting cast was ehhhh… okay.

CGI: The Budget was $110 MILLION – why does this movie look so CGI-ish?

The Wolves Talking To Each Other Scene: If you’ve ever watch Mighty Morphin Power Rangers then you’d remember a character named Zordon. He was this big head that had a large echoy deep voice. When he talked to the MMPR it made sense – he was Zordon.

Apparently the producers of Twilight may have watched MMPR because when the wolves were arguing with each other - that’s how they sounded, like a stupid Zordon. It was almost uncomfortable to watch these Wolves have such terrible voices.

Bella: I’ve had it. This chick mopes around like everything in her world is crumbling every moment of every day when in reality she may have the easiest life of any on screen 18 year old.

The Melodramatic Music: Did any one else notice how often this movie sounded like a bad soap opera?

Breaking this into 2 parts: This was “Part 1” of this particular movie. Why? This was a talkfest that could have been summed up in 25 minutes. Nothing happened in this movie. I could sum it up in 10 seconds… seriously… no really I could… Fuck it, here it is:

Bella marries Edward – Bella unexpectedly becomes preggers with Edwards Vampire child – Jacob leaves his pack and ultimately sides with the Cullens – When giving birth, Bella dies but Edward gives her his venom which, ultimately brings her back to life but now she’s a vampire – Jacob is now protecting their child with his Wolf imprint.

How long was that? 10-12 seconds?

I need to cool off and try to salvage this movie in some way shape or form – it won’t be easy. I know I’m going to come to a crossroad in my life when the next movie comes out and I have to debate seeing it in the theater or not.

Dammit! I’ve invested so much in these movies – no turning back. I know I’ll end up seeing the next one just so I know how it ends… I’ll bring the wine.