And so it begins. Yesterday the NFL released their regular season schedule and I can’t help but speculate on what the Packers season is going to look like and anticipate the season. I’m excited to play Monday morning quarterback and somehow be smarter than the coaches for 5 or 6 days, it just feels right.
As I looked over the regular season schedule I started to feel a bit arrogant and realized that I’ve been spoiled for 2 years. I need to remind myself that The Packers division has gotten a bit stronger and it may be foolish of me to sleep on some teams (Bears, Lions, not you Vikings). The strong division is a good thing. In Wisconsin I knew this old disgruntled coach that loved playing stronger teams because he’d say “It’ll keep you honest” and that’s all I can hope for The Packers this year… They stay honest.
Without further adieu I give you the most accurate (bias) prediction I possibly can. You don’t need to watch a single game this season because this is how the Green Bay Packers season will unfold:
Week 1: 49ers at PACKERS: Packers win 27-17 to open the season. Randy Moss scores 2 touchdowns and we remember he’s playing again. Aaron Rodgers is currently considering bringing back his championship belt move. By the way, last year I realized how many 49ers fans I have and that scares me.
Week 2: Bears at PACKERS: Packers have been in the heads of the Bears players for 3 years now. Although I’m always scared of the Bears in some weird Midwestern way the Packers win 20-13.
Week 3: PACKERS at Seattle: Matt Flynn does his best A Rodg impression but unfortunately A Rodg does his best Matt Flynn VS Detroit impression. Packers win in some kind of shootout.
Week 4: Saints at PACKERS: Any single joke about the Saints and their insanely mentally fucked up team could work here. This game is a shoot out but the mentally complete Packers win 45-31.
Record: 4-0 and Aaron Rodgers was just named player of the month.
Week 5: PACKERS at Colts: Peyton Manning hangover. Packers win.
Week 6: PACKERS at Texans: Uh oh, do I sense a stumbling block from the seemingly always-pesky Texans? Yeah, actually I do, but I sense a win in the 4th quarter.
Week 7: PACKERS at Rams: Sam Bradford is to busy admiring what a good team looks like. Packers win 30-10
Record: 7-0 and everyone starts recognizing how easy their schedule has been.
Week 8: Jaguars at PACKERS: Blaine Gabbert is picked off 5 times and Aaron Rodgers is the official front-runner for MVP.
Week 9: Arizona at PACKERS: I see this game turning into a shootout that Aaron Rodgers comes away winning 31-24 and I officially begin to worry that this schedule is way to easy.
Week 10: BYE WEEK: My buddy Ottford and I brag to each other about how good the Packers are but we’re both worried about their awesome record and don’t acknowledge that they were 9-0 the previous year. We’re trying to avoid a jinx, but then I try to reverse the jinx by saying they may lose and Ottford proceeds to get pissed at me.
Record: Still 9-0 and narrowly escaped a jinx.
Week 11: PACKERS at Detroit: Matthew the Staffinfection is having a killer year, he’s somehow managed to stay healthy and the Lions are still fun to watch. Megatron will exploit the Packers for 2 touchdowns but we’re still in their heads. Packers win.
Week 12: PACKERS at Giants: I get to the bar early for this game and decide I’m going to pace myself… by halftime I’m drunk. Fortunately the Packers win this game; unfortunately everyone knows that Eli Manning is waiting for the post season to win another Super Bowl. This win almost means nothing but fortunately it’s against a good team.
Week 13: Vikings at PACKERS: Thank God we’re in Green Bay because the Metrodome is contemplating breaking down. If the Packers lose this game it’s only because Adrian Peterson runs for 200+ yards… But they win by a lot.
Note: I’m getting worried because this is very similar to last year.
Week 14: Lions at PACKERS: Upset Alert! WTF!? Detroit wins 27-24 and Packer fans are starting to realize that their secondary is still depleted… like last year. Packer fans are starting to worry about the Lions… like last year. Congratulations Stafford.
Week 15: PACKERS at Bears: Truth be told I’m worried. I think the Packers are a bit bruised from their loss last week and what’s even scarier is that Jay Culter is clicking with Brandon Marshall. My worries manifest into reality and I feel that I cause this loss. ESPN goes crazy stating it’s been nearly 2 years since the Packers lost back to back games.
Week 16: Titans at PACKERS: Pissed and on a mission the Packers try to get their grove back, somehow. They’ve been exploited in their secondary and honestly I don’t think their running game is looking too good… If this were a better team that may matter. Packers win 35-20
Week 17: PACKERS at Vikings: Vikings don’t have a chance. The Packers are playing to win their division with style. Aaron Rodgers passes for over 400 yards and enters into the post season with a first round bye.
Regular season record: 14-2
Can’t really pinpoint what happens from here but all I can think and say is that they have to avenge their 2011 season. I’m already worried that they some how get bounced in the playoffs like last season.
I think the main issue is that I have to remind myself that the Packers hit a great streak in 2010-2011, when they won the Super Bowl, and I can’t expect that every year - now they have a bullseye on their backs like the Patriots.
Fuck it. They win the Super Bowl.
2013 Super Bowl Champions: GREEN BAY PACKERS
Random thoughts: Rodgers absolutely brings back the belt. Clay Matthews shocks the world with a short haircut. The Packers develop a running game. Donald Driver comes in 2nd on Dancing with the Stars.