The strangest feeling hit me, it was a realization that shouldn’t even be realized it should just be the way it is. It happened at a vulnerable time but it happened. I was in a strange relationship clinging to someone because I needed company. She was pushing the relationship to move further and further to serious land but I didn’t want to. I was concerned, I didn’t want to move forward but I didn’t want to lose this girl.
This scenario may be the ultimate crux in life I basically wanted everything on my own terms. I laughed at the thought, and then it hit me again! I can have everything on my own terms, hell I don’t need to do anything I don’t want to do.
I literally can have anything I want it just depends on the sacrifices. Anyone can have anything. Why do I finally understand this idea? This simple concept of having or getting anything is completely attainable it just depends on the route you take to get what you want. What a concept, what power.
So what have I been doing? Who the hell knows, who the hell cares, I don’t need to do anything I don’t want to do. Since this revelation is so shocking I did what any person would do with this power, I used it.
I called the girl I was dating. I laid out exactly what I wanted and how it was going to be. I didn’t hold back, it felt liberating, not because I was holding much back but I definitely was bending to comfort this girl I was seeing. I didn’t want to bend anymore; I didn’t want to care about her emotions, just mine.
My expectations were a little different than the outcome. I expected her to understand, I expected nothing to change, and I expected her to applaud while I was on the phone with her. I literally was waiting for someone to jump out of nowhere and tell me I was doing a good thing right now. In my mind I was being forthcoming and I was doing what most didn’t do, or what I didn’t do. I was well aware that by me saying what I was saying I’d compromise the intimacy aspect of things and also the companionship but I didn’t want it too.
“I’m sorry, things are moving at a speed I just cannot handle right now. I didn’t expect for us to be this deep in a relationship, I don’t even want a relationship, I’m not sure how this happened.”
Note: As I said this all I thought was… The Power.
She said: “I cannot be in some partial relationship.”
“Well I cannot be in A relationship.”
And so it ended, we didn’t speak again for about six months. When her and I finally reconnected she told me she was just out of another relationship. Apparently she had done some pretty heavy dating after us.
Many months later - We re-connected for roughly an hour and eventually she finished our conversation by thanking me for being so honest in the past, she said it was refreshing. I asked how it was refreshing and she let me know it was good to talk with someone who knew exactly what they wanted. Thank you! That’s all I wanted to hear from her in the first place. In my mind I felt justified for our brief departure.
Me: “Thanks for being so understanding.”
“Of Course.” She said, but something tells me she wasn’t completely honest. A moment later she said, “Would you like to grab a drink later?”
And with that question I knew I was being sucked back in…
Of course, within a few days and many phone calls her and I were back on. I don’t know how it happened but the on again off again fling was on. I wondered if she told me it was “refreshing” because she was baiting me. I always wonder if women know key phrases or statements to make a man come back. Regardless, I was momentarily back.
Many dates in it seemed like déjà vu and I remembered why I didn’t want to be in a relationship with her. I hate to use this line but…It’s not you it’s me, I thought. I needed to get out but now I m back to being comfortable with her. Eventually I stuck it out many more months than I wanted, it just happened. The power I thought I possessed clearly was a fading prize. It’s like a light bulb, every once in a while a change needs to be had. I wondered how I made it back and in so deep with this girl again, what was I doing wrong, how did I find myself appeasing her and wanting to run from this? She was getting everything she wanted.
Then it hit me! I don’t need to be in this relationship! I can do anything! I have the power!
It dawned on me that holding the power to do whatever you want is sometimes forgotten. It gets lost in the shuffle, especially with emotions, and if you don’t turn that power into a way of life it’ll be lost.