Michael Bay: Stop It!

Okay Michael Bay….

I’m trying to figure how to jump into this rant but I’m having trouble. I want to absolutely unload on Michael Bay for the shit he just pulled and I want to pick apart his movies like I know more than him and act as if I’ve generated so much money it could end the United States’ financial crisis. Unfortunately I don’t have that to fall back on at this time, but Michael fucking Bay does! Which, is why it’s difficult for me to have much validity in what I’m about to say.

I should also come clean and mention that I’ve basically seen every single Michael Bay film ever, including Pearl Harbor – and I defended it! Oh, and I think I cried at the end of Armageddon, ehhh, okay I did cry. DAMMIT, Michael Bay! I’m so angry with you. I’m angry that your films have a proven track record of putting asses in seats but I have to tell you something, and I mean this because I know I’m right:

You’re an idiot to take out the “Mutant” in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Lets rewind for a second. Last week it was announced that Michael Bay was rebooting the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle franchise. You know the Ninja Turtle franchise, right? Because if you don’t we have problems and you should stop everything you’re doing and first watch some of the cartoon, then watch the original movie, and then watch secret of the Ooze which had an amazing Vanilla Ice cameo. The 2nd film is questionable but the first was and is arguably the best cartoon conversion to live film ever.

(Deep Breath)

I read that Bay announced at the Nickelodeon up fronts that when he releases the movie in 2013 it’s not going to be called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but rather Teenage Ninja Turtles. Also, they’re not going to be mutated into Turtles; they’re just going to come from another planet… so they’re aliens. It’s killing me that they may not have their leader Splinter, how can they actually come from another planet? Seriously. ALSO, they’re not going to be eating Pizza! At least, I don’t think they will.

What is happening? Michael Bay is remaking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and taking out Mutant then changing everything. The only thing he’s keeping is that they’re green? Don’t we have to draw the line somewhere? Is nothing sacred anymore? Can we all just acknowledge that this isn’t a reboot of a fallen franchise but rather just a Michael Bay film? Can Michael Bay just admit that?

The thing is, is that I’m aware all ideas are recycled and it’s so rare to find the original idea at this point that we shouldn’t be upset at reboots or remakes. But I wasn’t upset about the reboot/remake - I was actually anticipating it. But to use the same name then change a word but keep the general premise sort of but not at all and then claim you’re rebooting the ninja turtles is insane!

Deep down I just wanted someone to do justice to a group of turtles that I loved at one point, but I suppose all good things must come to an end… Unless you’re the Transformers franchise helmed by Michael Bay, then you’ll never end!

Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles.